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This Problem Called Janice!

Posted on May 15, 2009 at 1:18 pm

I did not think much would change once I got married to Janice. I certainly did not think that life could get any worse. What I did not realize was that by marrying Janice, she felt like she had even more control over me than she had before.

The first Christmas after the wedding, my mother came to visit. She used to visit me often, but since I was with Janice, her visits started to decrease. My family all live on the other side of the country and I really missed them. I always looked forward to my mother visiting. When my mother came into town, I liked to make sure she had a great time. I would get hockey tickets and tickets to a show or the orchestra. I wanted her to have fun. I wanted to spend time with her. I always spent time with my mom when I was growing up and I loved it.

I decided to take time off work when my mom came down to visit. I usually took time off when she came down because I did not want her sitting around waiting for me to get home from work. I also did not want to leave her alone with Janice. Mom and I spent our time shopping and eating out and doing mom and daughter type of things. Janice would come along with us. She would always complain though. Her complaining got worse after we were married. Janice got upset that my mom liked to eat out when she visited. I did not understand why eating out upset Janice so much. Mom and I liked to go shopping or go do something and we were already out having fun so it was just easier to stop and grab a bite to eat. I tried to explain to Janice that it was my mom’s vacation and eating out was just a vacation sort of thing to do, but she didn’t even try to understand. Janice had a hate on for my mother that she was never to let go of. Janice was jealous of my close relationship with my mother and her goal was to somehow get in between us and break our close relationship down.

This visit was no different in that I had bought tickets for the three of us to go to the orchestra. We had left early so we could walk downtown a bit and check out some of the stores. Mom knew I had always wanted a leather jacket and as we walked from store to store, she spotted a leather jacket store. Mom asked if we could go take a look in the store and I said for sure. I did not know that mom wanted to go in the store for me. Mom loved her leather coats and I assumed she was browsing for herself. When we got into the store, mom looked at me and told me to find a leather jacket that I liked and she would buy it for me. I looked around and found this gorgeous three quarter length jacket. Mom though it looked so classy and so did I. Janice was acting weird and would not comment. I could not figure out what was wrong with Janice. I just tried to ignore her.

Mom bought me the leather coat, just like that. Then off we were to get to the theatre for the show. Janice was acting up the entire walk to the theatre. She told me that I was her wife and that my mother had no right to buy me a coat like that. If someone was to by me a coat it was to be her! I could not believe it. Janice was completely and totally jealous and freaking out because my mother bought me a gift. I was blown away. My mother could not believe it either.

We arrived at the theatre and found our seats. My mother buying me a leather jacket was all that Janice needed for an excuse to get drunk at the theatre. She drank so much beer before the start of the show that she started complaining about half way before the intermission that she had to pee. I told her to get up and go to the bathroom, but she wanted me to go with her. I told her to just go alone, but she did not want to go alone. Janice hated going into women’s bathrooms alone. People often took a second look as she entered the women’s washroom because she was such a butch dyke. She dressed in men’s clothes most of the time, wore men’s shoes and she had her hair cut so short it was hardly over an inch in length. The funny thing was, she dressed like a butch dyke, but was still always shocked that people had to take a second glance to make sure she was a woman!

Once the intermission came, the three of us got up and went to the washroom. Mom and I waited in the line that had formed. Janice could no longer hold her pee. She told me to come with her and leave the theatre to find a washroom with her. I refused to go and told her I was staying with my mom. She made a little scene, but quickly realized that I was not leaving my mom. I was so embarrassed and angry at her I just wanted her to leave the theatre and not be allowed back in. They let her back in though.

After the show we headed right home. Janice decided that she would continue to drink once we got back to the house. She also started to get very aggressive. This was the first time that my mother had ever witnessed Janice in her angry, aggressive and basically out of control state. With more alcohol in Janice she decided to start to complain about the Christmas gifts that I had gotten her. Janice enjoyed cooking and she had asked for this huge set of cooking dishes and this major set of strainers for Christmas. The gifts were not cheap. Janice had expensive taste and all together the cooking dishes and strainers had cost me about $500.00. I figured Janice really wanted the dishes and strainers because she had continuously asked for them for Christmas months prior to Christmas. All the sudden, after Christmas, they were crappy gifts. Janice had been complaining since she had opened the gifts from me that they were shitty gifts. I told her she could return them, but she said no. She gave me a hard time for not being more thoughtful. I just felt defeated. How was I supposed to know that she really did not want what she had kept mentioning for months prior to Christmas?!

With Janice completely loaded with alcohol to the point of almost being unable to stand, she decided to go into the kitchen with my mom there and start in on the gifts again. From the kitchen she berated me and the gifts that I had given her for Christmas. She swore about the gifts and was looking at my mom as if my mom would be on her side. It was almost as if she was berating my mom for bringing up a thoughtless, uncaring daughter. She told my mom what I had gotten her and how thoughtless it was with very descriptive words and ignorant language. Dishes and strainers, what a gift!

My mom had never witnessed Janice behave like this before. Janice then started in again on the leather jacket. She told my mom she had no right to come here and buy ‘her wife’ a leather jacket. Janice explained that it was her job to take care of me and that my mom had no place anymore. I tried to stop Janice talking, but she was a bulldozer going full steam ahead. Eventually she stopped and went off to bed. My mom had piped up and told Janice that she would buy me anything she damn well pleased and that she was a selfish bitch for being so ridiculous about the leather jacket and the Christmas presents. I was happy my mom did that.

Once Janice went to bed, I apologized to my mom. I told her I loved her and I went off to bed. I was so embarrassed and uncomfortable. I was so angry. No one treats my mom like Janice did. I would not allow it. I was not sure what I was going to do about it.

The next morning I woke up and I did not smell coffee. Every morning my mom was there she always woke before us and made coffee. Of course this was also something that Janice complained about! Janice was bothered that my mom made so much coffee, even though we drank it all, and that my mom got up so early. I never understood this!

I thought it was very strange that I could not smell coffee. I thought that maybe mom was tired and had slept in. I went downstairs and my mom was not there. I went and peeked in her room and she was not there either. I checked the jacket closet by the front door and her shoes and coat were gone. I called her cell. She was walking to the mall, which was pretty far away. My mom’s health had never been great. She had diabetes and other problems with her blood pressure and pancreas so I was really upset she was trying to walk so far. I asked what street she was at and told her to stay there. I grabbed my coat and keys and went and got her.

When I picked mom up, she was crying. She told me that she had never felt so unwelcome in my home, in her life. Janice had been successful in her attempts to make my mom feel like Janice did not want my mom in our house. I did not know what to do. I told my mom she was always welcome. I told her Janice was having a bit of trouble with drinking again and needed to get it under control. I apologized for Janice’s behaviour and made every excuse in the book for her and then we headed back home.

When I got home I told Janice what had happened and that I was angry at her. She turned everything around as she always did. My mom was being a drama queen and trying to manipulate me. My mom hated her so she was trying to get between us. Name it, Janice said it! Everything was either my fault or my mom’s fault. Janice took no blame for anything. The truth was that everything that Janice said about my mom was what Janice herself was doing to my mom and me. I just did not realize it at the time. I was so confused, shocked and caught up in the whirlwind of chaos that Janice created, I could not even think clearly.

The cat was out of the bag now though. With our marriage, Janice no longer hid her true self from my family. I think what had happened was that Janice just could not hide her true self anymore. Her true nature started to show its ugly face. My mom got to witness it first hand and it was not pleasant. It also confirmed my parents’ suspicions about Janice and our relationship. I was in a bad relationship and in it over my head. The only problem was, my parents could not end the relationship for me. I was the one that had to take care of this problem called Janice.

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And Then I Cried!

Posted on May 6, 2009 at 10:17 am

Before I knew it, it was the wedding day. It was a milestone day in that Janice and I were allowed to legally marry in Canada. We finally had a right to do something that had been previously withheld. The only problem was that I did not want to be getting married. Well, I did not want to marry Janice. I knew in my heart that marrying Janice was not what I truly wanted. Janice was not my soul mate. She was not the person I was meant to be with!

I was stuck. I knew there was no way out for me now. I had not had the courage or ability to get out of the relationship up till now, so I knew that on the wedding day, that it was a done deal. I would never back out in front of the few guests we had. I would have looked like an idiot if I backed out on the wedding day. At least everyone didn’t know that I was an idiot for staying in the relationship with Janice, let alone marrying her. Marrying Janice hid the fact that I was being an idiot.

My first marriage to John seemed so simple to end when I wanted it to end. I guess I just figured that I could do the same thing as my last marriage and end my marriage to Janice whenever I found the courage to get out of the relationship. I did not see the marriage to Janice as a barrier or roadblock to my freedom from her. The only barrier to my freedom was Janice herself and the power I was letting her have over me.

I know now that at the time of my marriage to Janice, I had a really bad outlook of marriage. Moreover it was a bad outlook especially because same sex couples had fought so long and hard for the right to do what Janice and I were doing that day. I was taking the legal milestone for granted. There were countries still fighting for the right that we had and I was in essence letting them all down by marrying someone that I should not have been marrying. When I think about this today, I feel horrible inside. I read articles about countries still fighting for the right for same sex couples to marry and I am now ridden with guilt as I sit here today, waiting for my divorce from Janice to be finalized.

I think that the guests at the ceremony should have been able to tell that there was not much true meaning behind the ceremony. There were multiple subtle symbols such as those damn little seeds that oh, how I loved so much. There was a cake that had a spelling mistake on it, but I did not have corrected. I did not care. I was dressed in black as if I was on my way to a funeral, not a wedding, let alone my wedding. The flowers were the cheapest I could find at the local grocery store in vases from the dollar store. Our wedding bands were plain, cheap gold bands. Basically, if you go to the jewellery store and look in the display for the most basic, least expensive wedding bands, those are the ones we had. The bands weren’t even new. Janice had wanted to get bands for each other about a year earlier so we had gone and gotten these cheap bands. We wore them on the right hand, ring finger. For the wedding, we just switched the rings over to the left hand!

We only had a few guests at the wedding. Sam and Julia were there of course. A few of our other friends that were more like acquaintances were there as well. I did not have anyone that could have been called “my” friend there. Sam and Julia were my friends, but I knew them only through Janice. There was no one there that was my friend from before my relationship with Janice. I had no friends left. All my friends I had prior to Janice were gone. I had given them up because of Janice’s controlling nature. I had given them up because I let Janice control me.

Worst of all, my family did not even know that I was getting married on that day. I was afraid to tell them. I was not afraid to tell them that I was marrying a woman. I was afraid to tell them that I was marrying Janice. I think they knew something was up in my relationship with Janice. They did not like Janice and they did not trust her. They never told me this at the time, but I could tell. Even though my family knew something was just not right in the relationship, they treated Janice well for my sake. They trusted that I was making the right decisions in my life and supported me. But I still could not tell them I was marrying her. I guess I was ashamed and embarrassed. I did not even tell them after the wedding. I called my sister a couple of months after the wedding and told her that Janice and I had gotten married. I knew she would be more understanding. I then got her to tell the rest of my family. I made my sister do my dirty work.

The ceremony was at Janice’s and my house. It was a rainy day so we had it inside the house. I have always hated rainy days. The rain is so depressing and dark. Rainy days have always felt sad to me ever since I was a kid. I remember not wanting to go to school on rainy days because I believed that rainy days were bad luck days. I would cry and beg my mom to not make me go to school. She always calmed me and I went to school, but I still hated rainy days.

I now look back and see how representational the rain was of that day for me. It was a bad luck day. It was a sad and depressing day. It was full of darkness. It was a darkness that I did not know the full extent of yet.

I really do not remember much of the ceremony. I think it lasted maybe five minutes. I do not even remember what was said. I do not remember whether we said “I DO” or “I WILL.” We said something though that meant ‘yep’ we would commit to each other. It was all the sudden, in a blink of an eye, a done deal. We were married. My eyes filled with tears.

There were people in Canada celebrating the milestone accomplishment of the same sex right to marry and there I stood on my wedding day, with a tear of complete and utter sadness in my eye. I sit and ponder now about those tears. I remember John crying at our wedding. I know that his tears were of joy. He was happy. I cried at Janice’s and my wedding because I was full of negative emotions. I was panicking. I was sad. I looked at those at the ceremony and thought of how they did not really know my situation and life. I looked at Janice and my heart sunk. She was in total control.

We took pictures after the ceremony, which we never had up in our house anywhere. The pictures were developed and never even put in an album. All the pictures were thrown in a box and stored in the closet. We never even looked at them.

We also had a reception dinner. Janice and I got drunk. Janice got drunk because she was an alcoholic that was again out of control. I got drunk because I needed consoling. I never really ever drank. But if there was a time for me to drink, it was the night of my marriage to Janice. Of course I had to carry Janice home and into the house. I got her into bed. I then did a familiar thing of sitting in the living room, looking out at the lights and stars. Sitting in the living room feeling upset had become such a familiar feeling. I had sat there so many times late at night when Janice was in bed, just thinking about what was going on with my life. Now I was sitting there, upset again, but this time I sat there as a married woman to a woman I knew I should not have married. And then I cried!

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Those Damn Little Seeds

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 10:42 pm

Yes, I was getting married, AGAIN! What was going on with my life?! This was not why I left John. I did not leave a heterosexual marriage to be married to someone I did not love, someone who controlled me, someone who was insane with jealousy and someone who was re-exploring their drinking problem. This wasn’t really my life was it?! Unfortunately it was! I felt trapped! I did not know what to do!

I remember when I married John. I got married to John because I thought it was what was expected of me. I had been with John a long time, mainly because I was not interested in looking for another man since I did not want to be with a man! On our wedding day, I remember John getting all teary eyed up in front of everyone in the church. All I did was try to calm him down and get him to stop crying. I remember not wanting to cry at all. In fact, I remember feeling detached, empty of all emotion. I just wanted to get the ceremony over with.

I look back at my first marriage and can now see it for what it was. It was a show. I was playing the role I thought that society, my family and everyone around me expected from me. I remember not really understanding why people were teary eyed on my hetero wedding day! I did not understand everyone’s emotion because it was an emotionless event and day for me.

I still sometimes feel badly for John. I learned a lot about myself during my time married to John, all at his expense. I was young when I married John. I did not know then that I did not truly love John. I did not understand that I was marrying John out of a need to fulfill what I thought was expected of me. I did not understand love and commitment at that time in my life. I had a lot of maturing to do and a lot to still learn on an emotional and self discovery level.

I never meant to hurt John. When I married John I truly thought I would stay with him forever. I had not yet come to terms with, nor did I fully understand who I was yet. Although I knew I felt strongly for women, I did not know that I was a lesbian.

Just for the record, I want everyone to know that I am not some man hater. A lot of people assume lesbians are men haters. I am not some dyke that hates men. I am simply and truly a lesbian who loves women. The thought of women drives me crazy. I think of Kass’ body and it drives me crazy. I feel true passion for Kass and for her womanly figure. I think about Kass and I can feel blood flow to my breasts and between my legs. I feel a tingling sensation all over. The thought of her touch makes me wet. My body really, truly, fully works for Kass. When I am making love to Kass I feel this extreme intensity all through my body and each tickle, each kiss, each touch I give her is from the core of my heart. This, I know now, is what love is!
Back to reality of my time with Janice ... we were getting married. I felt horrified. I felt trapped. I did not know what I was going to do. I would never have asked Janice to marry me. I already knew somewhere within me that I was in a toxic relationship that I desperately needed to get out of. I just did not know how to get out of the relationship.

Despite my inner protest, I went ahead and planned the wedding. I had no help from Janice! I planned a wedding that I did not want to attend. I picked flowers, I picked who would perform our lesbian ceremony (which required some research) and I picked thank you gifts for the few guests that I invited. I did everything! I definitely did not plan a perfect wedding. It was a “just good enough” wedding. It was a wedding planned for the sake of planning a wedding that had to be planned.

I think the tell tale sign that the wedding was essentially a joke for me was in the gift I purchased as a thank you gift for the guests and as a memorabilia of my marriage to Janice. I picked this envelope with flower seeds in it. It contained wild flower seeds. That tiny envelope of flower seeds must have been representative of my true inner self and subconscious. Janice was anaphylactic to most of the wild flower seeds in the envelopes. If Janice had been directly exposed too long to the flowers in their grown form, she could go into anaphylactic shock, which could kill her!

To me everything was a joke. It was a farce. Our relationship and the marriage was a big charade. The envelope of flowers signified how I wanted Janice to suffer as I felt I was suffering in my relationship with her. I never knew all this at the time I ordered the envelope of flower seeds. I just knew that for some reason, right from the center of my core, I wanted those damn little envelopes of flower seeds so bad it was unreal.

There was one thing that I could not do on my own. I could not get the marriage licence alone. Janice had to come with me. The marriage licence day should have been a red flag whacking me square between the eyes! Janice asked me to marry her, she had done no planning for the wedding and now, she was not willing to go get the marriage licence. Janice’s insecure, self hating part of herself made her terrified to walk up to the counter and admit that she was a dyke wanting to get married. Janice never thought of the fact that she might actually have to let someone know she was a lesbian in order to get married! The irony of the situation was, that Janice was such a butch lesbian, that anyone looking at her knew she was either a dyke or a man the instant they saw her.

Janice begged and pleaded for me to go get the marriage licence alone. She just seemed to not get the fact that she had no choice...she had to go in and get it with me. They needed her signature too. I told her this over and over. Finally, she decided that she would drive to the marriage licence office with me. We sat in the parking lot for what seemed like forever and discussed over and over why she needed to go into the office to get the paperwork done with me. It was like talking to a wall, but that is what it was always like when I tried to talk to Janice.

You would think that somewhere inside of me that day, I would have seen Janice’s inability to get the marriage licence as my way out of the marriage and the relationship. I could have said that it is ok, we won’t get married and that I cannot be with someone in such denial. Instead of taking my free ticket off the crazy train, I fell into the trap of feeling sorry for poor Janice. I felt sorry that she was so closeted. I felt sorry that she hated herself so much. I felt sorry that she could not love who she was and live her life open and proud.

So there I was sitting in a parking lot outside the marriage licence office taking care of Janice’s feelings of inadequacy. I was sitting there convincing Janice to go in with me to get a marriage licence that I myself did not want to get. I sit here now thinking of that day and the situation and feel like a complete idiot. I truly had a way out and I did not take it. I got trapped yet again in trying to help Janice.

Eventually Janice got the nerve up to go into the office and sit down in front of the lady at the marriage licence counter. I, of course, did all of the talking. Janice reacted to the situation in her typical manner of making jokes to lighten the air. We signed the documents and about ten minutes later we were out of the office and on our way back home. Janice looked relieved that she got through getting the marriage licence. She was also very happy that there was nothing else other than saying “I do,” that she had to do in the marriage process.

We were set. Marriage licence in hand, someone performing the ceremony, outfits, witnesses, a few friends, a cake, flowers, a guest book, a restaurant booked for the reception dinner and my beloved envelopes full of flower seeds. We just had to wait for the wedding day to arrive.

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Who Made Me A Martyr

Posted on April 17, 2009 at 12:15 pm

Somewhere, somehow in my life, I learned to put myself last. I do not know why I learned this! I am not sure where it came from. I never consciously thought that putting myself last was a good idea or a good life plan, but at some point in my life, it just started to happen. I was like a martyr. When did this happen? I started to live my life not as myself anymore, but as the person who was to help and “fix” Janice. I was on a mission. I was given a challenge.

I knew that I had wanted to help Janice. I felt sorry for her. She was a very broken woman. She had a horrible childhood. She was sexually abused. She was hated by her parents because she was a lesbian. She hated herself. She was paranoid. She thought everyone was looking at her funny and talking about her. She was insecure, but people who knew the public Janice would never know it. Janice presented herself as a bold, strong (physically, mentally and emotionally) woman. Janice could bench press more than most men and she never backed down from anyone. She portrayed a true cop image. She was a cop 24/7 and she let everyone know it.

I started to make excuses for Janice when she treated me poorly. If she was jealous or angry, I blamed her horrible past life experiences and instantly forgave her. I started to look at the situation as Janice needing guidance. She needed to be looked after and loved. I felt that love from me would teach her to somehow deal and come to terms with her past experiences. I thought that love would heal Janice.

I went from a situation where I was living my life as a heterosexual woman because that was what I thought I should do, that was what I thought was expected of me, to living my life for another woman. I was living my lesbian life to heal another person. My new found life was again, no longer about me. At the time, I did not know that I was essentially the one doing this to myself. I could have chosen to walk away and live my life, but somehow in the moment, I did not see what was happening. I truly thought that I could fix everything.

My life was now on a downward spiral like I had never known before, and I did not even see it happening.

Time went by fast in my relationship with Janice. I was busy trying to make things all better. With a blink of the eye we were three years into our relationship and things were a roller coaster ride. There were good days that gave me hope and belief that my guidance was helping Janice and bad days where I felt like we took three hundred steps backwards. I did not realize it then, but I went from being in a partner relationship to a mother – daughter relationship. I started to act like the mother Janice never had. I became the mother Janice never had. I did not see this role change happening or occurring. It just happened. Our relationship transformed into something that was already unhealthy to something that was completely destructive.

In public, Janice praised me and told everyone she could not live without me. She told everyone I was her foundation. I provided her the home she never had. I was her inspiration.

I now understand that Janice’s kind words in public must have been a reward that I sought after. Somehow these public, kind words from Janice kept me hanging on. They manipulated me into staying, into wanting to help, into living my life as Janice wanted and dictated. I see now, that Janice probably knew what she was doing. She knew when she pushed me too far, that a little public praise kept me hooked. I was a puppet in the Janice show. She had life just how she wanted it. She had a mother figure that looked after her and praised her. I would do anything for Janice in the guise of helping her be a happier person.

Somehow I must have thought that things were working or getting better. They weren’t though. Maybe it is just that I was caught up with fixing something that was unfixable. Either way I was trapped. I was trapped by my inner thoughts, my inner desire to help this supposedly broken, fallen woman and I was trapped by Janice. I was trapped by Janice’s conniving and manipulating ways. I was being controlled by Janice’s actions. I tiptoed around her when she was angry and praised her when she was happy. I rewarded her good behaviour with love. I forgave her bad behaviour all in the name of her damage caused by her past.

I was also feeling very alone. I only really had Sam and Julia as regular friends. Janice still kept hounding me when I talked to people so I pretty much avoided anyone and everyone in the name of somehow helping Janice. Janice even started to talk poorly about my family. Family meant the world to me. I always talked to my mom everyday until Janice. My parents, though they struggled with me being a lesbian, tried their best to show support. My parents even introduced Janice as my life partner. There was nothing more important than family and somehow, Janice negatively affected my belief system here too. Somehow she convinced me that my family was picking on me all the time. Eventually I was becoming irritated by family. I did not see the manipulation that Janice was doing here and that I was allowing. My family also had no idea of the situation that I was in and what I was dealing with in my life with Janice. It was a complete secret kept from everyone except Janice and me.

I did not realize that in my search to become the real me, I truly lost myself. I was living my life for someone else. I was essentially out of the lesbian world that I worked so hard to become a part of. I was a secluded woman. The only contact I had to the lesbian world was through Janice and the friends I met through her, Sam and Julia. I now became afraid to lose Janice as I was no longer immersed in the lesbian world I once had. I no longer had all my friends. I felt alone. I felt like I would have to start all over to create a lesbian world for myself again like the one I once had.

Then on July 8th, 2003 Janice and I were watching television. The news story about same sex marriage in Canada now being legal was on. Major news! When the news story ended, Janice walked over to me, sat on top of me on the couch and asked me to marry her. I felt trapped, panicked, and flushed. My mind was screaming help and my mouth said ok. We were getting married!

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Out Of Control

Posted on April 14, 2009 at 10:48 am

As a cop, people have relied on me in all different types of situations. Whether I was attending a domestic dispute or going to a murder, I was dealing with high stress and serious situations. I felt I was in control of my life. I was younger than most of the people I helped out in my job. I went and solved arguments between couples that had been married for decades and old enough to be my parents and even my grandparents. People relied on me in these situations to make the problems go away!

I felt on top of the world. I thought I had everything. I had come out of the closet and I had an amazing job that made me feel like I was really helping people. I had my life on the right track. I was in control. I felt like I could deal and handle anything. If there was a problem, then I was sure I could find a way to handle it.

I was also in charge of a lot of people at work. They relied on me in the most stressful situations to make the right call and guide them in the right direction. I knew the answers. I had to know the answers. A lot of people’s safety relied on me being able to make the right decision on the spot and in a split second. I knew I could do it and I felt confident.

I was also confident that I could fix the anger problem Janice had. We had a good talk and I was sure that things would get on track. Things always got on track for me. If they didn’t, I made them get on track. I was the boss in my life and people around me knew it. They saw me as a person in control, who had it together and got what she wanted. I was considered an intelligent, gentle, caring, strong woman who had her shit together. I liked the image I had earned. I deserved it. I worked hard for it.

A few weeks after I had sat Janice down and talked to her, I was happy to see that there were fewer incidents of anger. I thought it was good progress. It was promising. I was not impressed with the fact that she had not made a counsellors appointment yet.

I decided Janice probably needed help figuring out which counsellor to go to. So, I looked up a number of counsellors and researched them. I made a list of counsellors I thought would be good for Janice and presented her the list. She took the list from me and said she would look it over. I figured that Janice just did not know where to start and that is why she had not made the appointment yet. Janice was not used to really looking after anything. I looked after the house, the money, the cleaning, the yard, the cooking, I looked after everything. Janice just was not organized enough to get anything done.

It did not take me too long to find out that Janice was also always falling behind in her paperwork at work. She was great in her interaction with people at work, but when it came to getting the paperwork done she avoided it like the plague. She would then get all stressed and have to try to catch up. She started to bring work home so that I could give her a hand. She also started continually calling me at work for advice with respect to work. I was essentially doing two jobs, Janice’s and mine. It was hard, but I figured I would teach her and then she would be able to get it done on her own.

About a year into my relationship with Janice, my life was full of stress. Janice had slowly allowed her anger to creep back and her jealousy was out of control.

I found myself again avoiding situations and people in order to avoid the hassle with Janice. I did not go for breaks at work with people or if I did I just did not tell Janice. It was not worth the firing squad. When I was out with coworkers, taking a coffee break or lunch break and my phone rang, my heart would pound. I was almost afraid to look at the caller id and see Janice’s name and number there. If it was Janice, my heart went through the roof. I was in a panic. If I answered I would be embarrassed because she would flip as soon as she heard that I was in a restaurant. If I did not answer, she would call back every five minutes until I did. Eventually I knew that as soon as I received a call from Janice, I had about five minutes to leave the restaurant to answer the next call or else she would be mad and suspicious. Typically, I would just wait till she called again, and quickly run outside the restaurant and answer. I would tell her I was at an incident doing an investigation and would call back as soon as I could. Thankfully she believed this most of the time. This ploy usually gave me enough time to finish my coffee or meal and go along my way before she called again.

Janice went for breaks with other people at work. Janice went for coffee with coworkers. Why couldn't I? What was this double standard? How had I let this happen? I was being controlled. I was letting it happen. I did not know how to stop it. It was getting worse.

Then one day, Janice decided that she was too stressed from work and that she was going to have a drink. Janice was a self declared recovered alcoholic. She never went through a recovery program. She decided she had a drinking problem sometime before she met me. I had never known Janice to drink. I knew she thought that she had a drinking problem. Janice also told me that her friends all thought she had a drinking problem and that was the main reason she had decided to quit drinking.

Janice drunk was not fun. She did have a drinking problem. She did not know how to have just one drink. She was so bad that if you took your eyes off your drink for even a second, she would reach over and drink your drink. It was embarrassing and disgusting.

Janice was even funnier than ever when she was drunk though, so everyone just seemed to tolerate the drink stealing. Our friends giving up a drink here or there was admission to the Janice comedy show. Personally I wished I was invisible. Her behaviour was beyond embarrassing and approaching ridiculous.

Originally I had fallen for Janice because she was funny and seemed to have her shit together. As the first year together passed I was starting to see a different Janice. I was starting to doubt things she told me. I was starting to believe that she was pretty much a con artist. I was embarrassed that I had fallen for her in the first place. I felt trapped. I owned a house with her. We had mutual friends (mainly because I was not allowed any friends of my own) and we had accumulated joint debt (mainly because Janice loved to shop). Worst of all, I felt trapped because I was a cop. I was supposed to be in control of my life. People thought I had my shit together. Everyone respected me and thought I was a strong person. I was not supposed to be in the position I was in. I felt like I could not tell anyone the situation I was in. I also felt like everyone loved the public Janice and no one would believe how she was with me at home. No one would believe she was a controlling, manipulating and jealous woman.

As time went by, I started to see more of the real Janice. I started to question things she had told me. She said she had two Bachelor of Arts degrees and a Masters, but her diplomas were no where to be found. She said she had record labels, but the songs she claimed were hers did not have her name on them. She claimed she had won all these awards and world championships in various sports, but she never had any trophies to display. I was starting to wonder what was real. I had to figure out what was true. I was starting to believe that I seriously did not know the woman I was with.

But even with everything going wrong with Janice, I felt sorry for her. She had come from an abusive home. I had met her parent’s and they were horrible. They regularly degraded her and called her derogatory names. They hated that she was a lesbian and they let her know it. They thought she was brain injured and mentally delayed because she was a lesbian. They had nothing good to say about her. Once her mother even leaned over as if she was going to strike Janice and looking at me, she thought better of it and stopped.

Janice really hated herself because of how her parent’s treated her and made her feel. She was embarrassed to be a lesbian. She looked like a lesbian. From her appearance, it was obvious she was a lesbian. She did not dress feminine. She would shop in the men’s department because she was more comfortable in men’s jeans and sweaters. She was embarrassed that people could tell she was a lesbian yet she dressed in a way that spoke to the fact that she was a lesbian. She worried that people talked about her and that she was a lesbian. She pretty much tried to deny she was a lesbian in public.

I was a confused woman. I liked the public Janice. I liked the Janice that was kind, loved children, would help anyone, was an avid listener and in public put me on a pedestal. When I was with the public Janice, that was not drinking, I enjoyed my life. The private, angry Janice was horrible. The private, angry Janice was caused by her parent’s treatment of her and her hate of herself for being a lesbian. I felt sorry for the torment that Janice was going through. She needed help and guidance. I needed to help this angry woman.

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What You See Is Better Than What You Get!

Posted on April 8, 2009 at 11:10 am

My life with Janice seemed to start out pretty good. I was happy to be with a woman. Janice appeared to be a good person. She had moments of anger, but I just ignored them. I figured that I was a really grounded woman and that I could “teach” Janice how to deal with her anger outbursts. Her outbursts were not very often, but they were often enough that they started to bother me. I did not want to be with a person who had such anger issues. Her anger was always over the smallest things too, like if she misplaced something or was late for an appointment. She would flip out if she could not fit into her favourite jeans or a shirt she wanted to wear was not clean. It was actually ridiculous!

Through Janice I met two of probably my closest friends to this day. Sam and Julia were life partners and had been together for a few years when I met them. They are good people. Sam is more masculine in her nature. She is a tough cookie and has a pretty physical job in the construction industry. Julia is more like a stay at home wife. She loves cooking and is awesome at it. She takes care of the house and gets everything ready for Sam for when she comes home or when she is off to work. It is like a lesbian relationship that has stepped back in time to when the husband worked and the wife stayed home. It is a really neat dynamic relationship that works well for them.

Sam and Julia are not married and will likely never get married. They do not believe in marriage. They seem to both think that marriage can wreck a good thing. Maybe they are right, they have been together forever and they seriously never fight. When they disagree on something it is talked about in a calm fashion. They seem grounded. They always remember that the other person has feelings so when they disagree on something they seriously try to respectfully work things out. I think that they truly are life partners and I will be surprised if they ever split. They are good people.

I was and am lucky to have Sam and Julia in my life to this day. They both have been there at the most critical times in my life. I am thankful for them. I am also thankful for Sam and Julia because as time passed with Janice, she started to become extremely jealous and I slowly lost all my friends except for Sam and Julia. Even at work, I could not go for coffee with coworkers. Even my old straight friends were pushed out of my life by Janice. I would go visit Lisa (my closest straight friend I had lived with) and Janice would be calling me every couple of minutes to see if I was still with Lisa and what we were doing. It was embarrassing. I quickly learned to put my phone on silent or vibrate when I was out so that everyone around me would not see the craziness and jealousy that I was dealing with, with Janice.

It got to a point where I would be talking to a boss or one of the employees I was in charge of and Janice would be mad at me. She accused me of cheating all the time and wanting to sleep with everyone. Janice knew the dynamics of the job that I did because we were both cops. I, however, was a much higher rank than Janice and in charge of a lot of people. I had to talk to the people I was the boss of. I also had to answer to the people higher up to me. This was just something I could not avoid. With my phone ringing at work and her blasting me over the phone about cheating and questioning who I was talking to, I realized that my life was out of control.

I no longer had anyone I could talk to. I now know that I could have talked to Sam and Julia, but I didn’t at the time because they were Janice’s friends too. I was also afraid to drag them into my chaos. I was afraid to loose the only friends I had. If Janice knew that I was talking to them, they would be pushed away by Janice. I could not be secluded that much! Sam and Julia also knew the public Janice that everyone loved. I just thought that they would not believe that Janice could be how she was with me, so I was afraid to talk to them about it. In the beginning, I did not know how strong Sam and Julia’s friendship was to Janice so I did not know if I could talk to them.

In the evenings when Janice fell asleep I would go and sit in the living room and ponder about the life I had created for myself. I would stare out into the crisp night and look at the stars and city lights. I found those moments oddly serene even though they were filled with tears. This is not what I wanted in life. I was a strong, educated, intelligent and capable woman that was highly respected and looked up to both at work and in my personal life. How could this be my life?

When I found myself sitting in the living room at night crying about my life, I knew something had to change. I decided that I needed to take control of my life. Enough was enough. Janice needed to get a grip of her anger and her jealousy. I just was not going to accept a life like I had at that moment in time. So I decided that I needed to sit Janice down and talk to her.

Now Janice had major issues and I just did not realize the severity of them at the time. She had multiple personalities. I just never knew which Janice I would be dealing with. There was the public Janice that was kind, caring and funny and that everyone loved. Anyone that knew this Janice would not believe that she could be the Janice I knew at home. Then there was the reasonable Janice that I could talk to. Finally there was this angry Janice who had no control of her emotions or actions. This angry Janice scared me. As Janice became more comfortable in our relationship, this angry Janice started to show up more and more.

Janice was also paranoid. If she lost or misplaced something she would always say someone must have broken in and stolen it. She would always accuse Julia of coming into our house and taking her things. It was weird. I thought she was joking at first and soon I realized that she was serious.

So I sat Janice down and had a talk with her. I was lucky because I had the rational Janice when I sat her down. She understood what I was telling her and how I was feeling and she was very apologetic. She wooed me with great loving words and with how amazing of a woman I was. She told me I was worth the world and worth the effort on her part to get control of her anger. She was aware of her anger and for the first time she said she had a good home and felt like she could work on her anger issues. She said she would make a counsellor appointment and seek help with her anger issues. I actually believed Janice and left our conversation feeling renewed and relieved. I truly felt like I could help Janice and guide her through dealing with her anger issues. I thought we had a plan and that she really could and wanted to work on her problems.

I thought life was going to get better....
At that time in my life I did not realize that in a relationship, what you see in the beginning from the other person is actually better than what you get.

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Uhauling It!

Posted on April 7, 2009 at 11:23 am

As I said last blog, and then there was Janice!
Janice was a big mistake and I will admit that up front. I guess I got pulled into the Janice world because I was caught up in my so called lesbian life and I just did not want to loose my new found world.

I met Janice through a friend of a friend of a friend. Let me tell you, never date anyone you meet from a friend of a friend of a friend! If a friend introduces you then that is probably ok. If a person has to be introduced through a friend three or more times removed, there is something wrong with the person!

When I first met Janice, she presented herself as this extremely fit, caring and friendly person. She had accomplished what seemed like everything possible in life. Whether it was being the best musician in the world with record labels, having three different university degrees, a cop at the youngest age possible, or a champion at every sport, Janice had apparently done it all! I was impressed when I met her. I was amazed that someone could accomplish so much. I thought that I was an accomplished woman, but Janice blew me out of the water!

The truth about Janice though was that she was a Diesel Dyke, Gold Star Lesbian and a Pillow Princess all rolled up into one! The horrible thing is that Janice was also mentally ill and I did not realize it. I thought she was quirky and unique, but I did not realize she was mentally ill until quite some time into our relationship.....much, much, much later....

In the beginning everything seemed perfect with Janice. She seemed almost saintly! We did everything together, went everywhere together, she offered to help everyone and anyone with whatever problems they had and she never seemed drained or tired. She loved kids and kids seemed to just go crazy over her. It was as if when Janice walked into a room full of kids that a clown had walked in! Well, a clown did walk in, just not the type that is all dressed up! Janice was a clown of a different type.

I really do not have much of anything good to say about Janice! As we talk about my life with Janice you will see why. I am sure that you all will want to hunt Janice down when you know the life I endured with her. But I am getting way ahead of myself right now.

When I first met Janice life really did seem good. I noticed a few flaws in her, but I was so caught up in the whirlwind of the romance that I just did not pay attention to the red flags that were hitting me in the face. The bursts of anger because she was lost, late or her favourite jeans did not fit were big red flags. I just laughed the behaviour away because it was just so ridiculous!

Before you knew it, Janice and I had been dating for a month. She asked me to move in with her into the house she was renting. I said sure! I was hardly staying at my friend Lisa’s house anyway. So I was uhauling it! I was moving in with my lesbian lover after only a month of dating.

Life was grand. I had a lover that everyone in the world seemed to love. Janice presented herself as this personable, funny, loving, caring and selfless person to everyone around. People loved Janice. Janice was like Norm on Cheers. Janice walked into a room and people paid attention. She had people begging to be her friend and even more wanting to be her lover. I apparently had The Catch!

Janice’s lease was ending and for some reason she had to move for the end of the lease. I never could get the reason why she had to move out of her place. Once she said that she had to move because the landlord was renovating the house. Another time it was because the landlord was selling the house. Then another time it was because the landlord needed it for his mother to move into. It was a different excuse each time I asked her. I thought it was weird that Janice had a different excuse each time we talked about why she was moving, but I never thought twice about it. In the beginning, I was too busy enjoying my lesbian life. Janice was interested in sex (and not yet a pillow queen) and I was just enjoying the ride.

Anyway, the lease was ending so we were out to look for a place. We ended up finding this amazing house and it was a great price. So three months after Janice and I met and started dating, we bought and moved into our house together. We were uhauling it in the true meaning of the word. We jumped in full steam ahead, living together, locked into a house together and after only three months of dating.

My life was great....or so I thought! Soon I would find myself sitting in the living room late at night, crying at my life.

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My So Called Lesbian Life

Posted on April 3, 2009 at 12:15 pm

Ok so I was free, free to live my lesbian life. I moved in with a straight friend of mine, Lisa. It was nice to be out of the hetero marriage and off to discover my lesbian life. I really did not know what I was doing though and I really did not know the so called Lesbian World and Lesbian Life that I was entering into. It was all new to me. I enjoyed going to the lesbian bars and dancing. That was a blast! I loved the bars because they were a place to dance with other women all around and no men in sight. I seriously was in heaven.

I had a strange experience that was soon to be at my doorstep though. Well honestly, this would not be the first or last strange experience in my lesbian life.

I met a lesbian couple, Shandra and Cynthia. They seemed nice and I thought it was so cool that they had been together for about five years. Shandra and I had a lot in common. We had a lot of common interests. It was cool to have a lesbian friend who had a lot in common with me. Then one day, Cynthia called me and set up Shandra and I going shopping without her. I thought it was very strange, but hey I went shopping. Well when Cynthia kept calling to set up outings for Shandra and I, I got a little suspicious. So I asked Cynthia what was up. Piece of advice here, if you do not really want to know the answer to something do not ask the question!

Well, Cynthia spilled her beans and told me she was having an affair on Shandra and she felt guilty. She did not want to be with Shandra anymore and she thought Shandra and I made a good couple. Ok I was weirded out a bit. I had never been set up with someone let alone set up with someone by their current partner.

Well, Shandra never knew what was going on and to this day I am not sure if Shandra ever found out. Shandra started to get pretty affectionate with me and well when she made the moves on me I did not resist. Heck, I wanted another lesbian experience and Shandra, although in a relationship, was not going to be in her relationship for much longer so I did not feel like it was a bad thing to do.

Okay I mention Shandra here because of the weird experience. Shandra sucked in bed. Sorry Shandra, but it was the worst sex of my life. I am not sure why she was so bad, but it was like she did not know how a woman's body worked and she was a woman. I would have been better off touching myself! At least I can make myself have a pretty amazing orgasm because Shandra could not make me orgasm. I for the first time in my lesbian life had to fake an orgasm. By the way, I guess I am a pretty good at faking an orgasm!

Shandra got really weird after we slept together (if you can call it that). She started just showing up at my place unannounced. It was weird. I felt like I was being followed or stalked. I had enough of Shandra.

Somehow Cynthia found out that Shandra and I slept together and I was more than a little surprised when Cynthia was upset that I had slept with Shandra and not her. Okay that is a little weird to me! That is when I decided that my so called lesbian life was better off without Shandra and Cynthia in it.

Shandra and Cynthia soon split and I am not even sure where they are now. I used to see them at the lesbian bars when I would go dancing, but since I am now domesticated with an amazing lover (Kass) and our kids, we just do not make it to the lesbian bars for a night out. That is okay because I can handle not seeing Shandra and Cynthia. The brief experience with Shandra and Cynthia was a little too weird for me.

I was still emeshed in the Lesbian World though. I had quite a few lesbian friends. We all hung out and I kept meeting more and more lesbian friends through my current lesbian friends. Life was great. I was single and finally a lesbian out in the world. I was enjoying being a lesbian. I had no desire to be tied down with a relationship. I just wanted to figure out what this so called lesbian life was about and enjoy every minute of it.

And then I met Janice!

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First Lesbian Experience

Posted on April 2, 2009 at 9:08 am

We all remember our first lesbian experiences. Mine changed the entire direction of my life. How could I forget that?! My first lesbian experience was a two part series. There was the almost lesbian experience followed by the real lesbian experience. My first lesbian experience happened when I was married to John so this story takes a little step back in time from my coming out story.

A group of my friends were out celebrating a friends birthday. We all decided to go to a bar and drink and dance and because no one wanted to drive home, we all agreed ahead of time to get hotel rooms. So I was sharing a hotel room with Monique, Sue and Shirley. Well, Shirley ended up meeting up with a guy she knew and so she decided to go home with him. That left Monique, myself and Sue in the room. Monique and I were tired and drunk so we decided to make our way back to the hotel. Sue
stayed with the others that we had been out with that evening and was going to make her way to the hotel room later on.

So off Monique and I went to the hotel room. I really had no idea that anything was going to happen. I knew I felt extremely close to Monique, but that was it.

The hotel room had two queen beds and Monique and I were sharing a bed. We got ready and crawled into bed. Monique started to cuddle me. It felt nice. She then started to caress my stomach and upwards towards my breasts. I could hardly breath. I think I was actually holding my breath. For the first time in my life I could feel a true desire to be touched by a woman. As her hand moved upwards closer and closer to my breast, the hotel room door opened. It was Sue. Sue decided she was bored at the bar and came back to the room. Just like that, my first lesbian experience ended before it had really even started. I felt upset inside. I was wishing Sue had chosen to stay in another room and Monique and I had the room to ourselves. No such luck though.

The next morning I felt confused a bit. After all, I was married to John. What was I doing? I was exhilerated though. I needed to have the experience I missed out on the night before. I was craving it. I was imagining it. I knew for sure I wanted it. How was it going to happen though?

Luckily for Monique and I, everyone of the girls had fun and thought we should go out again in the near future. So it was planned. Girls night out. This time though, Monique and I had a room to ourselves. It did not take us long that evening to decide that we had enough of the bar and to head back to the room. This time we knew we were safe. No one would be walking into the room. It was just the two of us.

I know we were both nervous that night. You could feel the energy in the air. I had never had a lesbian experience before. Monique however, had lesbian experiences before. I did not know about her prior experiences though. I would have been a lot more nervous if I had know that Monique was an experienced lesbian. We just never talked about anything lesbian so it was not like a conversation about lesbian sex and partners came up. After all, Monique had a boyfriend and I had a husband. We were straight, right?!

Up to that point in my life, I had never been touched like I was by Monique that night. It was so soft and so gentle. Monique was a woman, she knew what felt good for a woman and how a woman's body should be touched. I felt comfortable. Everything felt normal and right. Everything felt more emotional. I loved the feel of a woman's body. Her skin so soft, the curve of her hips, the soft kisses, the entire experience. It definitely was an experience like I had never had up to that point in my life.

I remember after Monique and I had sex, she went to the washroom. Those few moments alone on the bed with my own thoughts felt like an eternity. The reality of what just happened was hitting me. I felt exhilarated and like I had discovered what I truly wanted in life. Although I knew I did not belong with Monique, I knew I belonged with a woman. I also thought of John. I looked at my hand with my wedding band on it. Monique's wetness from being so turned on by me was all over my wedding band. I had been inside her and in that moment I loved it. In the moment where I was staring at her all over my wedding band, my heart sunk. In discovering me, I went against everything I believed in. I cheated on John. I hated cheaters. I thought they were selfish, self centered and uncaring people. Here I sat, a cheater. A cheater with Monique's wetness caked onto my wedding band.

Monique returned to the bed and I quickly scooted off the the bathroom to try and wash my guilt away. I had guilt over cheating, but even more guilt over the fact that I wanted to have sex with a woman again. My guilt however disappeared rather quickly as it was not but a few days later that Monique and I were at it again. Every chance we got we were having sex. I was craving sex for the first time in my life. I was like a kid in a candy store. I just wanted more of everything.

About three months after our affair started, Monique had to move away for work and our affair stopped. By that time though, I had met other lesbians and was active in the lesbian community. I was going to fly girl nights at the bars, meeting new lesbians and making new lesbian friends. I had a ton of lesbian friends now. There was no stopping me. Monique was gone, but that was okay with me. There was more candy in the candy store. I was surrounded by a new world, a world full of lesbians and I loved every moment of it.

My first lesbian experience was really just that, it was an experience. It was an experience that solidified my personal knowledge of who I was and who I wanted to be. It was a necessary experience that shaped my life from that point on. My experience did not have anything to do with Monique herself. I did not love Monique. I found her attractive at the time, but I had no intentions of living my life with her. She called me after she moved and told me how much she missed me and she wanted me to leave John and be with her. I did not want that. I panicked when she said that. I had been in it for the experience, not for a committment.

Eventually Monique and I just stopped talking. She moved on with her life and met someone new. I no longer had to worry about her asking me to be with her. I felt relieved about that. Now I could just focus on my new lesbian world that I had thrown myself into. I could experiment. Oh ya, and I had to deal with John.

Not everyone has a great first lesbian experience. It all depends on the lesbian you pick to have your experience with. Unfortunately for Kass she picked a pillow queen to have her first lesbian experience with. Kass will tell you that she new right away that she loved touching a woman. She loved kissing them, feeling how soft everything was and she loved the emotional side to being with a woman. She wanted the emotional connection that came along with women.

Kass' first lesbian experience was basically getting the pillow queen, Martha, to climax. Then the pillow queen felt obligated to touch Kass so she half heartedly touched Kass, but did not touch Kass till she fully climaxed. So when Martha went to the bathroom, Kass felt unfinished to say the least and would lie in bed touching herself, frustrated and needing to finish the job herself.

Kass continued the relationship with Martha though for quite some time. Kass just loved exploring a woman's body and well Martha was a woman. Eventually Kass realized that there were other lesbians out there and a lot of them would love to make love to her too. So Martha and Kass went their separate ways.

Kass was married at the time of her first lesbian experience with Martha. She was however separated and getting a divorce. Kass like a lot of first timers had a mixed bag of emotions. She liked what was happening, but there was occasions when she felt a bit of guilt. Like the time sitting in church all she could think about was the reality of what had been happening between her and Martha. It wasn't really guilt she felt. It was more like a true realization of the fact it had happened and it represented pretty much everything opposite to the belief system of the people surrounding her at that given moment.

I think for most people, we have a fond memory of our first lesbian experience. It represents a defining moment in our lives for most of us. It definitely was a defining moment in my life. It is not that I was attached to Monique or in love with Monique. I was in love with the idea of being with a woman. I was in love with the idea of discovering who I was and what I wanted. I was in love with the idea of living my life for me, how I wanted, with whom I wanted. I was in love with the feeling that I had been set free.

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Coming Out

Posted on March 31, 2009 at 9:55 pm

As a woman married to a man, I secretly lived out my lesbian life. As time passed, I had absolutely no doubt that I was one hundred percent lesbian. For the first time in my life I knew who I really was and what I really wanted. I loved women. I loved how soft they were. I loved their smooth skin and their luscious curves. I loved their lips. I loved their smell. I loved how they tasted. I just could not get enough!

With women I kissed like I never knew I could. It came from my innermost desires. There was passion behind the kiss. There was lust and sexual desire behind the kiss. I loved touching women and watching them in their moments of pleasure (pleasure that I gave to them). With women, my body for the first time in my life reacted like never before.

For the first time in my life I felt complete. I knew what I wanted and I was going for it. I was proud of who I was. I was proud of my self discovery. I knew what I had to do. I owed my husband (John) the truth about who I was. I had to get a divorce from John. I had to let the world know who I really was. I knew that now was the time for me to Come Out.

I remember this time in my life like it was yesterday. It was a bag of BIG mixed emotions. There were times where I felt like I was struggling, but I always had an underlying renewed love for life. I felt alive! I often listened to Diana Ross' song "I'm Coming Out." I love that song. I listen to it now and it brings me right back to the exhilerating feeling I had when I finally realized who I was. I was, I am, I love being a Lesbian.

So how was I to come out? Well, unfortunately I did not have a lot of control in how I came out. I sat John down and told him about my lesbian affair (ok I only told him about one)! At first John was not upset. I was surprised. The first thing out of John's mouth was "next time can I watch." Ok well, if I wasn't a lesbian that sure would have made me one.

It did not take long though for John's tone to change. He did not want us to split and well, I was done with the relationship. I kept hanging out with my lesbian friends. John kept threatening that he would tell my parents if I did not stop hanging out with "the lesbians!" So I solved the problem. I went and visited my parents and told them that I had discovered that I was a lesbian and that was how I was going to live my life from that point on.

You know, I have discovered that you may think you know how people will react to something, but you really just never know how people are going to react until they actually react! I thought my dad would flip and my mom would be cool. Nope! Dad was calm. He was the first one I told. He knew. He saw me with one of my ex lesbian lovers one time and he could apparently tell that we were not just friends. Mom knew also, but I think she was in denial more. She just did not want to believe it. My parents saw my current married life as a good life and they wanted me to follow that road.

I remember walking through the mall with my dad just after I told him that I was a lesbian. I had to go to the bathroom and so did he. So we walked down the corridor to the washroom area. The woman's washroom was first. My dad looked at me and pointing to the women's washroom he said "I think that one is yours still." I did not find it funny! I was still a woman. I was just a woman who really loved women.

My dad made cracks over the next few days. He made cracks like "the son I never had" and other such cracks. I guess he needed to get something out of his system. I guess that is when I first learned that I would have to have thick skin. The one thing that sticks the most with me that my dad said was a bit of advice about work. My dad said that people and bosses would look at me differently now. I was no longer the "fuckable" female sitting across from them. I now was the lesbian sitting across from them. I was so shocked to hear that from my father. The truth is, I found out he was right to a certain extent. There were times at work where I saw the change from peers and bosses. It happened here and there, not really often, but it happened.

Anyway, my mom was really upset. I remember telling her with my dad. She had seen me with the same ex-lover that my dad had and had guessed also, but she never thought that I would pick the lesbian lifestyle over the married to John lifestyle I had. I remember later that night waking hearing my mom crying. She was upset. She was dealing with it though.

My siblings were cool about it. No problems there. Happy to report there was one reaction that I could have predicted.

As time went on, my entire family came around. They were happy to see me really, truly happy for the first time in my life. I think they could see the renewed energy and the amazing love for life that was in me. They quickly realized I was still me. I just loved women now instead of men.

My mom can now even introduce Kass as my partner. She is so cool about it now. Dad likes that I am happy too. It is all good now, but I will admit it was not a smooth road. It had its bumps and hard moments, but I survived it.

So what about work? Well, I was openly lesbian. I truly believe people gossip less and talk behind your back less if you can talk about it too. So I joked, I was open, I was not bothered by it so no one else seemed botherd by it either. It was much easier that way. I knew if I tried to hide it that people would then start to talk and gossip.

There are always people that try to 'out' you also so my best advice is to just be 'out' already and then the last laugh is on them. My partner when I first came out (Janice), had a crazy ex. Well Janice was crazy too but hey that is another major story! So the crazy ex sent a letter to my work trying to bitch about me and every second word was lesbian. Ouch!!! Did not hurt because everyone already knew. I was practically wearing a rainbow flag to work everyday!

Everyone seems to have a unique coming out story. I remember one of my friends (Adam) way back when I first came out. Adam told his parents he was gay and man they practically threw a party for him. They were dragging Adam out of bed to go to the gay pride parades. They were so into his life and celebrating who he was. I found their reaction surprising at first. It was pretty cool though. Adam seriously had the same life experience as Michael from Queer as Folk did with his mother Debbie.

I loved the reaction of Janice's parents. They knew Janice was a lesbian. When Janice got engaged to someone (way before we were partners) she told her parents of her engagement. Her parents responded by asking Janice if her engagement was to a guy or a girl. Talk about saving Janice from having to explain anything! But the funny thing was, when Janice and I were together, her parents told everyone we were partners, but that we lived together and did not have sex. Imagine our surprise when we heard about that! Anyway, we did have sex. Not sure where they got the idea we didn't have sex, but I guess believing we didn't have sex made them able to cope.

Now Kass had a different experience. Well she did not have to worry about telling anyone she was now a lesbian. Our neighbors knew from her screaming my name during sex! She is a very quiet, shy, asian lady by day and an amazing, vocal lover by night. On an aside, I find that about women! If they are quiet in their daily life, they are vocal in bed. If they are vocal in their daily life, they are quiet in bed.

Anyway, the real coming out story for Kass is that she went through a horrible divorce in the courts that just dragged on and on and on. Her ex of course thought it benefitted him somehow to have it as part of the public record that he believed Kass to be a lesbian. Then he felt he should share his beliefs with everyone in the world also. Well Kass had the same belief that I did. Do not hide it and the rumours and talking behind your back becomes pointless. So, we did not hide it. We went along our happy lesbian way and lived our life out. No one seemed to care. We never got much attention and we never heard much whispering about it.

I really think each coming out story although similar in its goal, is very different and unique. We all receive our different reactions. Whether parents are crying or throwing a party, it is our internal reaction to our self that is important. If you are sure of who you are, coming out I believe will just feel okay and right. Even in the tough moments, like when my mom was crying, or I came home from telling my parents and told John it was really over, it felt like the right thing to do. It is about being true to yourself and who you are. I realized by discovering the real me, that I am a happier person to live life as the person I truly am.

Now I often almost forget that I am a lesbian. I have a normal life. My life truly feels normal to me. It is not a hard life for me. I feel like I am right where I belong. I have my true love (Kass). Everything with Kass feels so right. Whether it is sitting and talking with Kass or making passionate love to her, it all just feels like I am where I belong. I have my home, my partner, my family and we even have our kids. We have it all. I did get my keeping up with the Jones' life. It's just that in this case, the Jones' are lesbians.

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Confessions of a Married Woman Loving A Woman

Posted on March 26, 2009 at 9:12 pm

Married women who love women has been a popular phrase more recently. It seems that everyone now knows someone who has been married to a man or is married to a man and who is actually either bisexual or a lesbian. Some of the women choose to stay in their marriage and have lesbian affairs and some women end their marriages to live their life as a lesbian.

I have to say that I know quite a few woman who used to be married to a man. I also find that most lesbians I know used to at least date men. I do also know a few gold star lesbians, but I find that they are few compared to lesbians who had prior relationships with the opposite sex.

Take me for example, I used to be married to a man as you found out in my last post. I knew I was not keen or even really interested in marrying a man when I got married. Why did I do it then? Well I did it probably for the same reason that many other woman do it. I was fulfilling the expectations that life had of me. Or so I thought. I was following the Jones' and trying to have the husband and two and a half kids with the house and white picket fence. So I created my Jones' life and off I went.

But something was missing. I longed for female companionship. Not just a buddy to hang out with either. I had buddies. I wanted intimacy and an emotional bond that was soft, understanding and with a woman. So I silently longed for woman who I found emotionally and physically attractive.

Then one day, a woman kissed me. The kiss led to other more intimate encounters and before I knew it I was a married woman actively loving another woman. This was the eye opening moment and turning point of the rest of my life. From that moment on I knew that now I could answer that question I previously had....Could I see myself having sex with another woman? The answer now was YES! From that point on, men for me were a thing of the past and the only thing I saw ahead of me was a lesbian life.

For the first time in my life I felt free. I felt almost lighter. I felt happier. I felt a love for life at a level that I had never felt before. I was free to be who I truly was. And so, my life as a lesbian began full steam ahead.

My sexy asian partner, Kassidy (aka Kass) has a similar story. Kass was married for twenty years. Wow! What a long time. Her ex well we all think he is an idiot and of course so does Kass now, but that is another story! Kass will tell you that she was unhappy for the last ten years of her marriage. She stayed married because it was the expected thing. She did not know how to break free.

Originally Kass wanted out of the marriage just because she was unhappy. She had no thoughts of being a lesbian initially. As time passed and she met lesbians here and there in her life, she began to see a whole new world that she had never really considered. Kass became curious about relationships with women. So she started to experiement, thus becoming a married woman who was loving women.

The outcome is obvious for Kass as her and I are together now. We live happily ever after in our home. We have a great relationship. We have amazing sex. We both admit that our past lives with men seems like a lifetime ago.

Time after time you will hear of stories like ours. Whether the lesbian used to date or used to be married, some people find it hard to comprehend the change in lifestyle. Switching teams (as the saying goes) is more and more popular these days though. It is so commonplace that I think that people are not as surprised to hear of the latest married woman that is now a lesbian. The recent change in laws in some countries that allows same sex marriages has helped increase the acceptance of same sex relationships. Likewise, television now has numerous shows where gays and lesbians are portrayed and this too has helped make the concept of same sex relationships more accepted.

There are not as many worries for woman these days that want to fulfill their desire to be a lesbian. No doubt the switch in lifestyle will stir up the gossip amongst your friends and colleagues, but I think it seems to settle quickly these days.

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Am I Gay?

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 11:30 pm

Well, I think that any new, freshly starting Lesbian Blog should talk about the main question we all start out with. Am I gay? For me, obviously the answer is yes. That is why I am here at Lesbian Cafe writing these blogs. But how does it all really start? How did it start for you?

I can recall in my younger years just loving women. I remember the teachers I had crushes on. I remember the girls in school I wanted to be "friends" with. I remember the hugs from a friend that felt, well better than just a hug. But I always wondered, Am I Gay?

This discovery into our sexuality starts differently for all of us. Sure there may be some things that are similar, but it is an individual journey, with our own thoughts and emotions. Our own worries. Our own fears.

I used to always think that I liked those teachers and liked the hugs from my certain female friend because I was a more emotional person. I thought I was just wired to work on a more emotional, spiritual and even philosophical level. So I asked myself this question.....Could I see myself having sex with a woman? Could I see myself having sex with my certain friend? What was my answer? No! So I concluded that I was not a lesbian, but rather an extra emotional female and moved on with my life.

The answer to THAT question about sex with a woman lead me on a major journey in life. One that we have to just chalk up to being an experience! You see, although somewhere inside me I truly knew I was gay, I must have not been ready to let everyone or even myself know about it yet. So I followed what was EXPECTED of me! Yes, I dated the opposite sex, not very much though! I know, I cringe at the thought now too!

Are you ready for this though? I got married, and to a man at that! Before everyone wonders themselves to death, do not worry, I am now divorced. Divorced twice actually, but that is another blog!

So the marriage (to the man, we will just call John) lasted for about three years, although I had been with him for more than ten years in total. And ladies, let me tell you, I knew I was a lesbian once I got married. Nothing against the ex.

I think that there is a pretty good clue that you are in fact a lesbian when you just do not want your husband to see you naked cause he might want sex. Maybe the rushing off to bed first and pretending to be asleep before John came to bed was a clue too! How about hearing John walk down the hall towards the bedroom while I am changing and rushing to get changed so there was no skin to be drooled over. I think that was a clue!

I think the true give away that I was a lesbian was when John and I actually had sex. After feeling bad for depriving John for a month, I would give in. The only part of sex I liked was the images of the gorgeous women I had in my head. The beautiful curves, the soft breasts, the soft skin, prefectly smooth buttocks.......Women are beautiful! Ya, I think that was kind of a sure sign that yes, I am gay!

Story to be continued...And wait till you meet my lesbian friends!

Send us your comments. Let us all know how you discovered your answer to the question ... AM I GAY?

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Lesbian Cafe, Lesbian Life

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 4:02 pm

Hello. Welcome to Lesbian Cafe. Today is our very first day up and running so we do not look too pretty yet. Make sure to bookmark us and come back to see what we have to offer.

We are a Lesbian blog, about Lesbians and Lesbian life, written by Lesbians.

We have a lot to talk about, so come back soon. We know you will love what we have to say and we really want to hear from you.

From your fellow women who really love women!

Please note that although I draw from my own life experiences, names will be changed here to protect the innocent and some elements might also be fictionalized for better impact.

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This Problem Called Janice!

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