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Those Damn Little Seeds

  • Posted on April 22, 2009 at 10:42 pm

Yes, I was getting married, AGAIN! What was going on with my life?! This was not why I left John. I did not leave a heterosexual marriage to be married to someone I did not love, someone who controlled me, someone who was insane with jealousy and someone who was re-exploring their drinking problem. This wasn’t really my life was it?! Unfortunately it was! I felt trapped! I did not know what to do!

I remember when I married John. I got married to John because I thought it was what was expected of me. I had been with John a long time, mainly because I was not interested in looking for another man since I did not want to be with a man! On our wedding day, I remember John getting all teary eyed up in front of everyone in the church. All I did was try to calm him down and get him to stop crying. I remember not wanting to cry at all. In fact, I remember feeling detached, empty of all emotion. I just wanted to get the ceremony over with.

I look back at my first marriage and can now see it for what it was. It was a show. I was playing the role I thought that society, my family and everyone around me expected from me. I remember not really understanding why people were teary eyed on my hetero wedding day! I did not understand everyone’s emotion because it was an emotionless event and day for me.

I still sometimes feel badly for John. I learned a lot about myself during my time married to John, all at his expense. I was young when I married John. I did not know then that I did not truly love John. I did not understand that I was marrying John out of a need to fulfill what I thought was expected of me. I did not understand love and commitment at that time in my life. I had a lot of maturing to do and a lot to still learn on an emotional and self discovery level.

I never meant to hurt John. When I married John I truly thought I would stay with him forever. I had not yet come to terms with, nor did I fully understand who I was yet. Although I knew I felt strongly for women, I did not know that I was a lesbian.

Just for the record, I want everyone to know that I am not some man hater. A lot of people assume lesbians are men haters. I am not some dyke that hates men. I am simply and truly a lesbian who loves women. The thought of women drives me crazy. I think of Kass’ body and it drives me crazy. I feel true passion for Kass and for her womanly figure. I think about Kass and I can feel blood flow to my breasts and between my legs. I feel a tingling sensation all over. The thought of her touch makes me wet. My body really, truly, fully works for Kass. When I am making love to Kass I feel this extreme intensity all through my body and each tickle, each kiss, each touch I give her is from the core of my heart. This, I know now, is what love is!
Back to reality of my time with Janice ... we were getting married. I felt horrified. I felt trapped. I did not know what I was going to do. I would never have asked Janice to marry me. I already knew somewhere within me that I was in a toxic relationship that I desperately needed to get out of. I just did not know how to get out of the relationship.

Despite my inner protest, I went ahead and planned the wedding. I had no help from Janice! I planned a wedding that I did not want to attend. I picked flowers, I picked who would perform our lesbian ceremony (which required some research) and I picked thank you gifts for the few guests that I invited. I did everything! I definitely did not plan a perfect wedding. It was a “just good enough” wedding. It was a wedding planned for the sake of planning a wedding that had to be planned.

I think the tell tale sign that the wedding was essentially a joke for me was in the gift I purchased as a thank you gift for the guests and as a memorabilia of my marriage to Janice. I picked this envelope with flower seeds in it. It contained wild flower seeds. That tiny envelope of flower seeds must have been representative of my true inner self and subconscious. Janice was anaphylactic to most of the wild flower seeds in the envelopes. If Janice had been directly exposed too long to the flowers in their grown form, she could go into anaphylactic shock, which could kill her!

To me everything was a joke. It was a farce. Our relationship and the marriage was a big charade. The envelope of flowers signified how I wanted Janice to suffer as I felt I was suffering in my relationship with her. I never knew all this at the time I ordered the envelope of flower seeds. I just knew that for some reason, right from the center of my core, I wanted those damn little envelopes of flower seeds so bad it was unreal.

There was one thing that I could not do on my own. I could not get the marriage licence alone. Janice had to come with me. The marriage licence day should have been a red flag whacking me square between the eyes! Janice asked me to marry her, she had done no planning for the wedding and now, she was not willing to go get the marriage licence. Janice’s insecure, self hating part of herself made her terrified to walk up to the counter and admit that she was a dyke wanting to get married. Janice never thought of the fact that she might actually have to let someone know she was a lesbian in order to get married! The irony of the situation was, that Janice was such a butch lesbian, that anyone looking at her knew she was either a dyke or a man the instant they saw her.

Janice begged and pleaded for me to go get the marriage licence alone. She just seemed to not get the fact that she had no choice...she had to go in and get it with me. They needed her signature too. I told her this over and over. Finally, she decided that she would drive to the marriage licence office with me. We sat in the parking lot for what seemed like forever and discussed over and over why she needed to go into the office to get the paperwork done with me. It was like talking to a wall, but that is what it was always like when I tried to talk to Janice.

You would think that somewhere inside of me that day, I would have seen Janice’s inability to get the marriage licence as my way out of the marriage and the relationship. I could have said that it is ok, we won’t get married and that I cannot be with someone in such denial. Instead of taking my free ticket off the crazy train, I fell into the trap of feeling sorry for poor Janice. I felt sorry that she was so closeted. I felt sorry that she hated herself so much. I felt sorry that she could not love who she was and live her life open and proud.

So there I was sitting in a parking lot outside the marriage licence office taking care of Janice’s feelings of inadequacy. I was sitting there convincing Janice to go in with me to get a marriage licence that I myself did not want to get. I sit here now thinking of that day and the situation and feel like a complete idiot. I truly had a way out and I did not take it. I got trapped yet again in trying to help Janice.

Eventually Janice got the nerve up to go into the office and sit down in front of the lady at the marriage licence counter. I, of course, did all of the talking. Janice reacted to the situation in her typical manner of making jokes to lighten the air. We signed the documents and about ten minutes later we were out of the office and on our way back home. Janice looked relieved that she got through getting the marriage licence. She was also very happy that there was nothing else other than saying “I do,” that she had to do in the marriage process.

We were set. Marriage licence in hand, someone performing the ceremony, outfits, witnesses, a few friends, a cake, flowers, a guest book, a restaurant booked for the reception dinner and my beloved envelopes full of flower seeds. We just had to wait for the wedding day to arrive.

Animoto - The End of Slideshows



Who Made Me A Martyr

  • Posted on April 17, 2009 at 12:15 pm

Somewhere, somehow in my life, I learned to put myself last. I do not know why I learned this! I am not sure where it came from. I never consciously thought that putting myself last was a good idea or a good life plan, but at some point in my life, it just started to happen. I was like a martyr. When did this happen? I started to live my life not as myself anymore, but as the person who was to help and “fix” Janice. I was on a mission. I was given a challenge.

I knew that I had wanted to help Janice. I felt sorry for her. She was a very broken woman. She had a horrible childhood. She was sexually abused. She was hated by her parents because she was a lesbian. She hated herself. She was paranoid. She thought everyone was looking at her funny and talking about her. She was insecure, but people who knew the public Janice would never know it. Janice presented herself as a bold, strong (physically, mentally and emotionally) woman. Janice could bench press more than most men and she never backed down from anyone. She portrayed a true cop image. She was a cop 24/7 and she let everyone know it.

I started to make excuses for Janice when she treated me poorly. If she was jealous or angry, I blamed her horrible past life experiences and instantly forgave her. I started to look at the situation as Janice needing guidance. She needed to be looked after and loved. I felt that love from me would teach her to somehow deal and come to terms with her past experiences. I thought that love would heal Janice.

I went from a situation where I was living my life as a heterosexual woman because that was what I thought I should do, that was what I thought was expected of me, to living my life for another woman. I was living my lesbian life to heal another person. My new found life was again, no longer about me. At the time, I did not know that I was essentially the one doing this to myself. I could have chosen to walk away and live my life, but somehow in the moment, I did not see what was happening. I truly thought that I could fix everything.

My life was now on a downward spiral like I had never known before, and I did not even see it happening.

Time went by fast in my relationship with Janice. I was busy trying to make things all better. With a blink of the eye we were three years into our relationship and things were a roller coaster ride. There were good days that gave me hope and belief that my guidance was helping Janice and bad days where I felt like we took three hundred steps backwards. I did not realize it then, but I went from being in a partner relationship to a mother – daughter relationship. I started to act like the mother Janice never had. I became the mother Janice never had. I did not see this role change happening or occurring. It just happened. Our relationship transformed into something that was already unhealthy to something that was completely destructive.

In public, Janice praised me and told everyone she could not live without me. She told everyone I was her foundation. I provided her the home she never had. I was her inspiration.

I now understand that Janice’s kind words in public must have been a reward that I sought after. Somehow these public, kind words from Janice kept me hanging on. They manipulated me into staying, into wanting to help, into living my life as Janice wanted and dictated. I see now, that Janice probably knew what she was doing. She knew when she pushed me too far, that a little public praise kept me hooked. I was a puppet in the Janice show. She had life just how she wanted it. She had a mother figure that looked after her and praised her. I would do anything for Janice in the guise of helping her be a happier person.

Somehow I must have thought that things were working or getting better. They weren’t though. Maybe it is just that I was caught up with fixing something that was unfixable. Either way I was trapped. I was trapped by my inner thoughts, my inner desire to help this supposedly broken, fallen woman and I was trapped by Janice. I was trapped by Janice’s conniving and manipulating ways. I was being controlled by Janice’s actions. I tiptoed around her when she was angry and praised her when she was happy. I rewarded her good behaviour with love. I forgave her bad behaviour all in the name of her damage caused by her past.

I was also feeling very alone. I only really had Sam and Julia as regular friends. Janice still kept hounding me when I talked to people so I pretty much avoided anyone and everyone in the name of somehow helping Janice. Janice even started to talk poorly about my family. Family meant the world to me. I always talked to my mom everyday until Janice. My parents, though they struggled with me being a lesbian, tried their best to show support. My parents even introduced Janice as my life partner. There was nothing more important than family and somehow, Janice negatively affected my belief system here too. Somehow she convinced me that my family was picking on me all the time. Eventually I was becoming irritated by family. I did not see the manipulation that Janice was doing here and that I was allowing. My family also had no idea of the situation that I was in and what I was dealing with in my life with Janice. It was a complete secret kept from everyone except Janice and me.

I did not realize that in my search to become the real me, I truly lost myself. I was living my life for someone else. I was essentially out of the lesbian world that I worked so hard to become a part of. I was a secluded woman. The only contact I had to the lesbian world was through Janice and the friends I met through her, Sam and Julia. I now became afraid to lose Janice as I was no longer immersed in the lesbian world I once had. I no longer had all my friends. I felt alone. I felt like I would have to start all over to create a lesbian world for myself again like the one I once had.

Then on July 8th, 2003 Janice and I were watching television. The news story about same sex marriage in Canada now being legal was on. Major news! When the news story ended, Janice walked over to me, sat on top of me on the couch and asked me to marry her. I felt trapped, panicked, and flushed. My mind was screaming help and my mouth said ok. We were getting married!

Out Of Control

  • Posted on April 14, 2009 at 10:48 am

As a cop, people have relied on me in all different types of situations. Whether I was attending a domestic dispute or going to a murder, I was dealing with high stress and serious situations. I felt I was in control of my life. I was younger than most of the people I helped out in my job. I went and solved arguments between couples that had been married for decades and old enough to be my parents and even my grandparents. People relied on me in these situations to make the problems go away!

I felt on top of the world. I thought I had everything. I had come out of the closet and I had an amazing job that made me feel like I was really helping people. I had my life on the right track. I was in control. I felt like I could deal and handle anything. If there was a problem, then I was sure I could find a way to handle it.

I was also in charge of a lot of people at work. They relied on me in the most stressful situations to make the right call and guide them in the right direction. I knew the answers. I had to know the answers. A lot of people’s safety relied on me being able to make the right decision on the spot and in a split second. I knew I could do it and I felt confident.

I was also confident that I could fix the anger problem Janice had. We had a good talk and I was sure that things would get on track. Things always got on track for me. If they didn’t, I made them get on track. I was the boss in my life and people around me knew it. They saw me as a person in control, who had it together and got what she wanted. I was considered an intelligent, gentle, caring, strong woman who had her shit together. I liked the image I had earned. I deserved it. I worked hard for it.

A few weeks after I had sat Janice down and talked to her, I was happy to see that there were fewer incidents of anger. I thought it was good progress. It was promising. I was not impressed with the fact that she had not made a counsellors appointment yet.

I decided Janice probably needed help figuring out which counsellor to go to. So, I looked up a number of counsellors and researched them. I made a list of counsellors I thought would be good for Janice and presented her the list. She took the list from me and said she would look it over. I figured that Janice just did not know where to start and that is why she had not made the appointment yet. Janice was not used to really looking after anything. I looked after the house, the money, the cleaning, the yard, the cooking, I looked after everything. Janice just was not organized enough to get anything done.

It did not take me too long to find out that Janice was also always falling behind in her paperwork at work. She was great in her interaction with people at work, but when it came to getting the paperwork done she avoided it like the plague. She would then get all stressed and have to try to catch up. She started to bring work home so that I could give her a hand. She also started continually calling me at work for advice with respect to work. I was essentially doing two jobs, Janice’s and mine. It was hard, but I figured I would teach her and then she would be able to get it done on her own.

About a year into my relationship with Janice, my life was full of stress. Janice had slowly allowed her anger to creep back and her jealousy was out of control.

I found myself again avoiding situations and people in order to avoid the hassle with Janice. I did not go for breaks at work with people or if I did I just did not tell Janice. It was not worth the firing squad. When I was out with coworkers, taking a coffee break or lunch break and my phone rang, my heart would pound. I was almost afraid to look at the caller id and see Janice’s name and number there. If it was Janice, my heart went through the roof. I was in a panic. If I answered I would be embarrassed because she would flip as soon as she heard that I was in a restaurant. If I did not answer, she would call back every five minutes until I did. Eventually I knew that as soon as I received a call from Janice, I had about five minutes to leave the restaurant to answer the next call or else she would be mad and suspicious. Typically, I would just wait till she called again, and quickly run outside the restaurant and answer. I would tell her I was at an incident doing an investigation and would call back as soon as I could. Thankfully she believed this most of the time. This ploy usually gave me enough time to finish my coffee or meal and go along my way before she called again.

Janice went for breaks with other people at work. Janice went for coffee with coworkers. Why couldn't I? What was this double standard? How had I let this happen? I was being controlled. I was letting it happen. I did not know how to stop it. It was getting worse.

Then one day, Janice decided that she was too stressed from work and that she was going to have a drink. Janice was a self declared recovered alcoholic. She never went through a recovery program. She decided she had a drinking problem sometime before she met me. I had never known Janice to drink. I knew she thought that she had a drinking problem. Janice also told me that her friends all thought she had a drinking problem and that was the main reason she had decided to quit drinking.

Janice drunk was not fun. She did have a drinking problem. She did not know how to have just one drink. She was so bad that if you took your eyes off your drink for even a second, she would reach over and drink your drink. It was embarrassing and disgusting.

Janice was even funnier than ever when she was drunk though, so everyone just seemed to tolerate the drink stealing. Our friends giving up a drink here or there was admission to the Janice comedy show. Personally I wished I was invisible. Her behaviour was beyond embarrassing and approaching ridiculous.

Originally I had fallen for Janice because she was funny and seemed to have her shit together. As the first year together passed I was starting to see a different Janice. I was starting to doubt things she told me. I was starting to believe that she was pretty much a con artist. I was embarrassed that I had fallen for her in the first place. I felt trapped. I owned a house with her. We had mutual friends (mainly because I was not allowed any friends of my own) and we had accumulated joint debt (mainly because Janice loved to shop). Worst of all, I felt trapped because I was a cop. I was supposed to be in control of my life. People thought I had my shit together. Everyone respected me and thought I was a strong person. I was not supposed to be in the position I was in. I felt like I could not tell anyone the situation I was in. I also felt like everyone loved the public Janice and no one would believe how she was with me at home. No one would believe she was a controlling, manipulating and jealous woman.

As time went by, I started to see more of the real Janice. I started to question things she had told me. She said she had two Bachelor of Arts degrees and a Masters, but her diplomas were no where to be found. She said she had record labels, but the songs she claimed were hers did not have her name on them. She claimed she had won all these awards and world championships in various sports, but she never had any trophies to display. I was starting to wonder what was real. I had to figure out what was true. I was starting to believe that I seriously did not know the woman I was with.

But even with everything going wrong with Janice, I felt sorry for her. She had come from an abusive home. I had met her parent’s and they were horrible. They regularly degraded her and called her derogatory names. They hated that she was a lesbian and they let her know it. They thought she was brain injured and mentally delayed because she was a lesbian. They had nothing good to say about her. Once her mother even leaned over as if she was going to strike Janice and looking at me, she thought better of it and stopped.

Janice really hated herself because of how her parent’s treated her and made her feel. She was embarrassed to be a lesbian. She looked like a lesbian. From her appearance, it was obvious she was a lesbian. She did not dress feminine. She would shop in the men’s department because she was more comfortable in men’s jeans and sweaters. She was embarrassed that people could tell she was a lesbian yet she dressed in a way that spoke to the fact that she was a lesbian. She worried that people talked about her and that she was a lesbian. She pretty much tried to deny she was a lesbian in public.

I was a confused woman. I liked the public Janice. I liked the Janice that was kind, loved children, would help anyone, was an avid listener and in public put me on a pedestal. When I was with the public Janice, that was not drinking, I enjoyed my life. The private, angry Janice was horrible. The private, angry Janice was caused by her parent’s treatment of her and her hate of herself for being a lesbian. I felt sorry for the torment that Janice was going through. She needed help and guidance. I needed to help this angry woman.

What You See Is Better Than What You Get!

  • Posted on April 8, 2009 at 11:10 am

My life with Janice seemed to start out pretty good. I was happy to be with a woman. Janice appeared to be a good person. She had moments of anger, but I just ignored them. I figured that I was a really grounded woman and that I could “teach” Janice how to deal with her anger outbursts. Her outbursts were not very often, but they were often enough that they started to bother me. I did not want to be with a person who had such anger issues. Her anger was always over the smallest things too, like if she misplaced something or was late for an appointment. She would flip out if she could not fit into her favourite jeans or a shirt she wanted to wear was not clean. It was actually ridiculous!

Through Janice I met two of probably my closest friends to this day. Sam and Julia were life partners and had been together for a few years when I met them. They are good people. Sam is more masculine in her nature. She is a tough cookie and has a pretty physical job in the construction industry. Julia is more like a stay at home wife. She loves cooking and is awesome at it. She takes care of the house and gets everything ready for Sam for when she comes home or when she is off to work. It is like a lesbian relationship that has stepped back in time to when the husband worked and the wife stayed home. It is a really neat dynamic relationship that works well for them.

Sam and Julia are not married and will likely never get married. They do not believe in marriage. They seem to both think that marriage can wreck a good thing. Maybe they are right, they have been together forever and they seriously never fight. When they disagree on something it is talked about in a calm fashion. They seem grounded. They always remember that the other person has feelings so when they disagree on something they seriously try to respectfully work things out. I think that they truly are life partners and I will be surprised if they ever split. They are good people.

I was and am lucky to have Sam and Julia in my life to this day. They both have been there at the most critical times in my life. I am thankful for them. I am also thankful for Sam and Julia because as time passed with Janice, she started to become extremely jealous and I slowly lost all my friends except for Sam and Julia. Even at work, I could not go for coffee with coworkers. Even my old straight friends were pushed out of my life by Janice. I would go visit Lisa (my closest straight friend I had lived with) and Janice would be calling me every couple of minutes to see if I was still with Lisa and what we were doing. It was embarrassing. I quickly learned to put my phone on silent or vibrate when I was out so that everyone around me would not see the craziness and jealousy that I was dealing with, with Janice.

It got to a point where I would be talking to a boss or one of the employees I was in charge of and Janice would be mad at me. She accused me of cheating all the time and wanting to sleep with everyone. Janice knew the dynamics of the job that I did because we were both cops. I, however, was a much higher rank than Janice and in charge of a lot of people. I had to talk to the people I was the boss of. I also had to answer to the people higher up to me. This was just something I could not avoid. With my phone ringing at work and her blasting me over the phone about cheating and questioning who I was talking to, I realized that my life was out of control.

I no longer had anyone I could talk to. I now know that I could have talked to Sam and Julia, but I didn’t at the time because they were Janice’s friends too. I was also afraid to drag them into my chaos. I was afraid to loose the only friends I had. If Janice knew that I was talking to them, they would be pushed away by Janice. I could not be secluded that much! Sam and Julia also knew the public Janice that everyone loved. I just thought that they would not believe that Janice could be how she was with me, so I was afraid to talk to them about it. In the beginning, I did not know how strong Sam and Julia’s friendship was to Janice so I did not know if I could talk to them.

In the evenings when Janice fell asleep I would go and sit in the living room and ponder about the life I had created for myself. I would stare out into the crisp night and look at the stars and city lights. I found those moments oddly serene even though they were filled with tears. This is not what I wanted in life. I was a strong, educated, intelligent and capable woman that was highly respected and looked up to both at work and in my personal life. How could this be my life?

When I found myself sitting in the living room at night crying about my life, I knew something had to change. I decided that I needed to take control of my life. Enough was enough. Janice needed to get a grip of her anger and her jealousy. I just was not going to accept a life like I had at that moment in time. So I decided that I needed to sit Janice down and talk to her.

Now Janice had major issues and I just did not realize the severity of them at the time. She had multiple personalities. I just never knew which Janice I would be dealing with. There was the public Janice that was kind, caring and funny and that everyone loved. Anyone that knew this Janice would not believe that she could be the Janice I knew at home. Then there was the reasonable Janice that I could talk to. Finally there was this angry Janice who had no control of her emotions or actions. This angry Janice scared me. As Janice became more comfortable in our relationship, this angry Janice started to show up more and more.

Janice was also paranoid. If she lost or misplaced something she would always say someone must have broken in and stolen it. She would always accuse Julia of coming into our house and taking her things. It was weird. I thought she was joking at first and soon I realized that she was serious.

So I sat Janice down and had a talk with her. I was lucky because I had the rational Janice when I sat her down. She understood what I was telling her and how I was feeling and she was very apologetic. She wooed me with great loving words and with how amazing of a woman I was. She told me I was worth the world and worth the effort on her part to get control of her anger. She was aware of her anger and for the first time she said she had a good home and felt like she could work on her anger issues. She said she would make a counsellor appointment and seek help with her anger issues. I actually believed Janice and left our conversation feeling renewed and relieved. I truly felt like I could help Janice and guide her through dealing with her anger issues. I thought we had a plan and that she really could and wanted to work on her problems.

I thought life was going to get better....
At that time in my life I did not realize that in a relationship, what you see in the beginning from the other person is actually better than what you get.


Gay Shopping

Uhauling It!

  • Posted on April 7, 2009 at 11:23 am

A Different Light BookstoreAs I said last blog, and then there was Janice!
Janice was a big mistake and I will admit that up front. I guess I got pulled into the Janice world because I was caught up in my so called lesbian life and I just did not want to loose my new found world.

I met Janice through a friend of a friend of a friend. Let me tell you, never date anyone you meet from a friend of a friend of a friend! If a friend introduces you then that is probably ok. If a person has to be introduced through a friend three or more times removed, there is something wrong with the person!

When I first met Janice, she presented herself as this extremely fit, caring and friendly person. She had accomplished what seemed like everything possible in life. Whether it was being the best musician in the world with record labels, having three different university degrees, a cop at the youngest age possible, or a champion at every sport, Janice had apparently done it all! I was impressed when I met her. I was amazed that someone could accomplish so much. I thought that I was an accomplished woman, but Janice blew me out of the water!

The truth about Janice though was that she was a Diesel Dyke, Gold Star Lesbian and a Pillow Princess all rolled up into one! The horrible thing is that Janice was also mentally ill and I did not realize it. I thought she was quirky and unique, but I did not realize she was mentally ill until quite some time into our relationship.....much, much, much later....

In the beginning everything seemed perfect with Janice. She seemed almost saintly! We did everything together, went everywhere together, she offered to help everyone and anyone with whatever problems they had and she never seemed drained or tired. She loved kids and kids seemed to just go crazy over her. It was as if when Janice walked into a room full of kids that a clown had walked in! Well, a clown did walk in, just not the type that is all dressed up! Janice was a clown of a different type.

I really do not have much of anything good to say about Janice! As we talk about my life with Janice you will see why. I am sure that you all will want to hunt Janice down when you know the life I endured with her. But I am getting way ahead of myself right now.

When I first met Janice life really did seem good. I noticed a few flaws in her, but I was so caught up in the whirlwind of the romance that I just did not pay attention to the red flags that were hitting me in the face. The bursts of anger because she was lost, late or her favourite jeans did not fit were big red flags. I just laughed the behaviour away because it was just so ridiculous!

Before you knew it, Janice and I had been dating for a month. She asked me to move in with her into the house she was renting. I said sure! I was hardly staying at my friend Lisa’s house anyway. So I was uhauling it! I was moving in with my lesbian lover after only a month of dating.

Life was grand. I had a lover that everyone in the world seemed to love. Janice presented herself as this personable, funny, loving, caring and selfless person to everyone around. People loved Janice. Janice was like Norm on Cheers. Janice walked into a room and people paid attention. She had people begging to be her friend and even more wanting to be her lover. I apparently had The Catch!

Janice’s lease was ending and for some reason she had to move for the end of the lease. I never could get the reason why she had to move out of her place. Once she said that she had to move because the landlord was renovating the house. Another time it was because the landlord was selling the house. Then another time it was because the landlord needed it for his mother to move into. It was a different excuse each time I asked her. I thought it was weird that Janice had a different excuse each time we talked about why she was moving, but I never thought twice about it. In the beginning, I was too busy enjoying my lesbian life. Janice was interested in sex (and not yet a pillow queen) and I was just enjoying the ride.

Anyway, the lease was ending so we were out to look for a place. We ended up finding this amazing house and it was a great price. So three months after Janice and I met and started dating, we bought and moved into our house together. We were uhauling it in the true meaning of the word. We jumped in full steam ahead, living together, locked into a house together and after only three months of dating.

My life was great....or so I thought! Soon I would find myself sitting in the living room late at night, crying at my life.

My So Called Lesbian Life

  • Posted on April 3, 2009 at 12:15 pm

Ok so I was free, free to live my lesbian life. I moved in with a straight friend of mine, Lisa. It was nice to be out of the hetero marriage and off to discover my lesbian life. I really did not know what I was doing though and I really did not know the so called Lesbian World and Lesbian Life that I was entering into. It was all new to me. I enjoyed going to the lesbian bars and dancing. That was a blast! I loved the bars because they were a place to dance with other women all around and no men in sight. I seriously was in heaven.

I had a strange experience that was soon to be at my doorstep though. Well honestly, this would not be the first or last strange experience in my lesbian life.

I met a lesbian couple, Shandra and Cynthia. They seemed nice and I thought it was so cool that they had been together for about five years. Shandra and I had a lot in common. We had a lot of common interests. It was cool to have a lesbian friend who had a lot in common with me. Then one day, Cynthia called me and set up Shandra and I going shopping without her. I thought it was very strange, but hey I went shopping. Well when Cynthia kept calling to set up outings for Shandra and I, I got a little suspicious. So I asked Cynthia what was up. Piece of advice here, if you do not really want to know the answer to something do not ask the question!

Well, Cynthia spilled her beans and told me she was having an affair on Shandra and she felt guilty. She did not want to be with Shandra anymore and she thought Shandra and I made a good couple. Ok I was weirded out a bit. I had never been set up with someone let alone set up with someone by their current partner.

Well, Shandra never knew what was going on and to this day I am not sure if Shandra ever found out. Shandra started to get pretty affectionate with me and well when she made the moves on me I did not resist. Heck, I wanted another lesbian experience and Shandra, although in a relationship, was not going to be in her relationship for much longer so I did not feel like it was a bad thing to do.

Okay I mention Shandra here because of the weird experience. Shandra sucked in bed. Sorry Shandra, but it was the worst sex of my life. I am not sure why she was so bad, but it was like she did not know how a woman's body worked and she was a woman. I would have been better off touching myself! At least I can make myself have a pretty amazing orgasm because Shandra could not make me orgasm. I for the first time in my lesbian life had to fake an orgasm. By the way, I guess I am a pretty good at faking an orgasm!

Shandra got really weird after we slept together (if you can call it that). She started just showing up at my place unannounced. It was weird. I felt like I was being followed or stalked. I had enough of Shandra.

Somehow Cynthia found out that Shandra and I slept together and I was more than a little surprised when Cynthia was upset that I had slept with Shandra and not her. Okay that is a little weird to me! That is when I decided that my so called lesbian life was better off without Shandra and Cynthia in it.

Shandra and Cynthia soon split and I am not even sure where they are now. I used to see them at the lesbian bars when I would go dancing, but since I am now domesticated with an amazing lover (Kass) and our kids, we just do not make it to the lesbian bars for a night out. That is okay because I can handle not seeing Shandra and Cynthia. The brief experience with Shandra and Cynthia was a little too weird for me.

I was still emeshed in the Lesbian World though. I had quite a few lesbian friends. We all hung out and I kept meeting more and more lesbian friends through my current lesbian friends. Life was great. I was single and finally a lesbian out in the world. I was enjoying being a lesbian. I had no desire to be tied down with a relationship. I just wanted to figure out what this so called lesbian life was about and enjoy every minute of it.

And then I met Janice!

First Lesbian Experience

  • Posted on April 2, 2009 at 9:08 am

We all remember our first lesbian experiences. Mine changed the entire direction of my life. How could I forget that?! My first lesbian experience was a two part series. There was the almost lesbian experience followed by the real lesbian experience. My first lesbian experience happened when I was married to John so this story takes a little step back in time from my coming out story.

A group of my friends were out celebrating a friends birthday. We all decided to go to a bar and drink and dance and because no one wanted to drive home, we all agreed ahead of time to get hotel rooms. So I was sharing a hotel room with Monique, Sue and Shirley. Well, Shirley ended up meeting up with a guy she knew and so she decided to go home with him. That left Monique, myself and Sue in the room. Monique and I were tired and drunk so we decided to make our way back to the hotel. Sue
stayed with the others that we had been out with that evening and was going to make her way to the hotel room later on.

So off Monique and I went to the hotel room. I really had no idea that anything was going to happen. I knew I felt extremely close to Monique, but that was it.

The hotel room had two queen beds and Monique and I were sharing a bed. We got ready and crawled into bed. Monique started to cuddle me. It felt nice. She then started to caress my stomach and upwards towards my breasts. I could hardly breath. I think I was actually holding my breath. For the first time in my life I could feel a true desire to be touched by a woman. As her hand moved upwards closer and closer to my breast, the hotel room door opened. It was Sue. Sue decided she was bored at the bar and came back to the room. Just like that, my first lesbian experience ended before it had really even started. I felt upset inside. I was wishing Sue had chosen to stay in another room and Monique and I had the room to ourselves. No such luck though.

The next morning I felt confused a bit. After all, I was married to John. What was I doing? I was exhilerated though. I needed to have the experience I missed out on the night before. I was craving it. I was imagining it. I knew for sure I wanted it. How was it going to happen though?

Luckily for Monique and I, everyone of the girls had fun and thought we should go out again in the near future. So it was planned. Girls night out. This time though, Monique and I had a room to ourselves. It did not take us long that evening to decide that we had enough of the bar and to head back to the room. This time we knew we were safe. No one would be walking into the room. It was just the two of us.

I know we were both nervous that night. You could feel the energy in the air. I had never had a lesbian experience before. Monique however, had lesbian experiences before. I did not know about her prior experiences though. I would have been a lot more nervous if I had know that Monique was an experienced lesbian. We just never talked about anything lesbian so it was not like a conversation about lesbian sex and partners came up. After all, Monique had a boyfriend and I had a husband. We were straight, right?!

Up to that point in my life, I had never been touched like I was by Monique that night. It was so soft and so gentle. Monique was a woman, she knew what felt good for a woman and how a woman's body should be touched. I felt comfortable. Everything felt normal and right. Everything felt more emotional. I loved the feel of a woman's body. Her skin so soft, the curve of her hips, the soft kisses, the entire experience. It definitely was an experience like I had never had up to that point in my life.

I remember after Monique and I had sex, she went to the washroom. Those few moments alone on the bed with my own thoughts felt like an eternity. The reality of what just happened was hitting me. I felt exhilarated and like I had discovered what I truly wanted in life. Although I knew I did not belong with Monique, I knew I belonged with a woman. I also thought of John. I looked at my hand with my wedding band on it. Monique's wetness from being so turned on by me was all over my wedding band. I had been inside her and in that moment I loved it. In the moment where I was staring at her all over my wedding band, my heart sunk. In discovering me, I went against everything I believed in. I cheated on John. I hated cheaters. I thought they were selfish, self centered and uncaring people. Here I sat, a cheater. A cheater with Monique's wetness caked onto my wedding band.

Monique returned to the bed and I quickly scooted off the the bathroom to try and wash my guilt away. I had guilt over cheating, but even more guilt over the fact that I wanted to have sex with a woman again. My guilt however disappeared rather quickly as it was not but a few days later that Monique and I were at it again. Every chance we got we were having sex. I was craving sex for the first time in my life. I was like a kid in a candy store. I just wanted more of everything.

About three months after our affair started, Monique had to move away for work and our affair stopped. By that time though, I had met other lesbians and was active in the lesbian community. I was going to fly girl nights at the bars, meeting new lesbians and making new lesbian friends. I had a ton of lesbian friends now. There was no stopping me. Monique was gone, but that was okay with me. There was more candy in the candy store. I was surrounded by a new world, a world full of lesbians and I loved every moment of it.

My first lesbian experience was really just that, it was an experience. It was an experience that solidified my personal knowledge of who I was and who I wanted to be. It was a necessary experience that shaped my life from that point on. My experience did not have anything to do with Monique herself. I did not love Monique. I found her attractive at the time, but I had no intentions of living my life with her. She called me after she moved and told me how much she missed me and she wanted me to leave John and be with her. I did not want that. I panicked when she said that. I had been in it for the experience, not for a committment.

Eventually Monique and I just stopped talking. She moved on with her life and met someone new. I no longer had to worry about her asking me to be with her. I felt relieved about that. Now I could just focus on my new lesbian world that I had thrown myself into. I could experiment. Oh ya, and I had to deal with John.

Not everyone has a great first lesbian experience. It all depends on the lesbian you pick to have your experience with. Unfortunately for Kass she picked a pillow queen to have her first lesbian experience with. Kass will tell you that she new right away that she loved touching a woman. She loved kissing them, feeling how soft everything was and she loved the emotional side to being with a woman. She wanted the emotional connection that came along with women.

Kass' first lesbian experience was basically getting the pillow queen, Martha, to climax. Then the pillow queen felt obligated to touch Kass so she half heartedly touched Kass, but did not touch Kass till she fully climaxed. So when Martha went to the bathroom, Kass felt unfinished to say the least and would lie in bed touching herself, frustrated and needing to finish the job herself.

Kass continued the relationship with Martha though for quite some time. Kass just loved exploring a woman's body and well Martha was a woman. Eventually Kass realized that there were other lesbians out there and a lot of them would love to make love to her too. So Martha and Kass went their separate ways.

Kass was married at the time of her first lesbian experience with Martha. She was however separated and getting a divorce. Kass like a lot of first timers had a mixed bag of emotions. She liked what was happening, but there was occasions when she felt a bit of guilt. Like the time sitting in church all she could think about was the reality of what had been happening between her and Martha. It wasn't really guilt she felt. It was more like a true realization of the fact it had happened and it represented pretty much everything opposite to the belief system of the people surrounding her at that given moment.

I think for most people, we have a fond memory of our first lesbian experience. It represents a defining moment in our lives for most of us. It definitely was a defining moment in my life. It is not that I was attached to Monique or in love with Monique. I was in love with the idea of being with a woman. I was in love with the idea of discovering who I was and what I wanted. I was in love with the idea of living my life for me, how I wanted, with whom I wanted. I was in love with the feeling that I had been set free.

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