Somewhere, somehow in my life, I learned to put myself last. I do not know why I learned this! I am not sure where it came from. I never consciously thought that putting myself last was a good idea or a good life plan, but at some point in my life, it just started to happen. I was like a martyr. When did this happen? I started to live my life not as myself anymore, but as the person who was to help and “fix” Janice. I was on a mission. I was given a challenge.
I knew that I had wanted to help Janice. I felt sorry for her. She was a very broken woman. She had a horrible childhood. She was sexually abused. She was hated by her parents because she was a lesbian. She hated herself. She was paranoid. She thought everyone was looking at her funny and talking about her. She was insecure, but people who knew the public Janice would never know it. Janice presented herself as a bold, strong (physically, mentally and emotionally) woman. Janice could bench press more than most men and she never backed down from anyone. She portrayed a true cop image. She was a cop 24/7 and she let everyone know it.
I started to make excuses for Janice when she treated me poorly. If she was jealous or angry, I blamed her horrible past life experiences and instantly forgave her. I started to look at the situation as Janice needing guidance. She needed to be looked after and loved. I felt that love from me would teach her to somehow deal and come to terms with her past experiences. I thought that love would heal Janice.
I went from a situation where I was living my life as a heterosexual woman because that was what I thought I should do, that was what I thought was expected of me, to living my life for another woman. I was living my lesbian life to heal another person. My new found life was again, no longer about me. At the time, I did not know that I was essentially the one doing this to myself. I could have chosen to walk away and live my life, but somehow in the moment, I did not see what was happening. I truly thought that I could fix everything.
My life was now on a downward spiral like I had never known before, and I did not even see it happening.
Time went by fast in my relationship with Janice. I was busy trying to make things all better. With a blink of the eye we were three years into our relationship and things were a roller coaster ride. There were good days that gave me hope and belief that my guidance was helping Janice and bad days where I felt like we took three hundred steps backwards. I did not realize it then, but I went from being in a partner relationship to a mother – daughter relationship. I started to act like the mother Janice never had. I became the mother Janice never had. I did not see this role change happening or occurring. It just happened. Our relationship transformed into something that was already unhealthy to something that was completely destructive.
In public, Janice praised me and told everyone she could not live without me. She told everyone I was her foundation. I provided her the home she never had. I was her inspiration.
I now understand that Janice’s kind words in public must have been a reward that I sought after. Somehow these public, kind words from Janice kept me hanging on. They manipulated me into staying, into wanting to help, into living my life as Janice wanted and dictated. I see now, that Janice probably knew what she was doing. She knew when she pushed me too far, that a little public praise kept me hooked. I was a puppet in the Janice show. She had life just how she wanted it. She had a mother figure that looked after her and praised her. I would do anything for Janice in the guise of helping her be a happier person.
Somehow I must have thought that things were working or getting better. They weren’t though. Maybe it is just that I was caught up with fixing something that was unfixable. Either way I was trapped. I was trapped by my inner thoughts, my inner desire to help this supposedly broken, fallen woman and I was trapped by Janice. I was trapped by Janice’s conniving and manipulating ways. I was being controlled by Janice’s actions. I tiptoed around her when she was angry and praised her when she was happy. I rewarded her good behaviour with love. I forgave her bad behaviour all in the name of her damage caused by her past.
I was also feeling very alone. I only really had Sam and Julia as regular friends. Janice still kept hounding me when I talked to people so I pretty much avoided anyone and everyone in the name of somehow helping Janice. Janice even started to talk poorly about my family. Family meant the world to me. I always talked to my mom everyday until Janice. My parents, though they struggled with me being a lesbian, tried their best to show support. My parents even introduced Janice as my life partner. There was nothing more important than family and somehow, Janice negatively affected my belief system here too. Somehow she convinced me that my family was picking on me all the time. Eventually I was becoming irritated by family. I did not see the manipulation that Janice was doing here and that I was allowing. My family also had no idea of the situation that I was in and what I was dealing with in my life with Janice. It was a complete secret kept from everyone except Janice and me.
I did not realize that in my search to become the real me, I truly lost myself. I was living my life for someone else. I was essentially out of the lesbian world that I worked so hard to become a part of. I was a secluded woman. The only contact I had to the lesbian world was through Janice and the friends I met through her, Sam and Julia. I now became afraid to lose Janice as I was no longer immersed in the lesbian world I once had. I no longer had all my friends. I felt alone. I felt like I would have to start all over to create a lesbian world for myself again like the one I once had.
Then on July 8th, 2003 Janice and I were watching television. The news story about same sex marriage in Canada now being legal was on. Major news! When the news story ended, Janice walked over to me, sat on top of me on the couch and asked me to marry her. I felt trapped, panicked, and flushed. My mind was screaming help and my mouth said ok. We were getting married!