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This Problem Called Janice!

  • Posted on May 15, 2009 at 1:18 pm

I did not think much would change once I got married to Janice. I certainly did not think that life could get any worse. What I did not realize was that by marrying Janice, she felt like she had even more control over me than she had before.

The first Christmas after the wedding, my mother came to visit. She used to visit me often, but since I was with Janice, her visits started to decrease. My family all live on the other side of the country and I really missed them. I always looked forward to my mother visiting. When my mother came into town, I liked to make sure she had a great time. I would get hockey tickets and tickets to a show or the orchestra. I wanted her to have fun. I wanted to spend time with her. I always spent time with my mom when I was growing up and I loved it.

I decided to take time off work when my mom came down to visit. I usually took time off when she came down because I did not want her sitting around waiting for me to get home from work. I also did not want to leave her alone with Janice. Mom and I spent our time shopping and eating out and doing mom and daughter type of things. Janice would come along with us. She would always complain though. Her complaining got worse after we were married. Janice got upset that my mom liked to eat out when she visited. I did not understand why eating out upset Janice so much. Mom and I liked to go shopping or go do something and we were already out having fun so it was just easier to stop and grab a bite to eat. I tried to explain to Janice that it was my mom’s vacation and eating out was just a vacation sort of thing to do, but she didn’t even try to understand. Janice had a hate on for my mother that she was never to let go of. Janice was jealous of my close relationship with my mother and her goal was to somehow get in between us and break our close relationship down.

This visit was no different in that I had bought tickets for the three of us to go to the orchestra. We had left early so we could walk downtown a bit and check out some of the stores. Mom knew I had always wanted a leather jacket and as we walked from store to store, she spotted a leather jacket store. Mom asked if we could go take a look in the store and I said for sure. I did not know that mom wanted to go in the store for me. Mom loved her leather coats and I assumed she was browsing for herself. When we got into the store, mom looked at me and told me to find a leather jacket that I liked and she would buy it for me. I looked around and found this gorgeous three quarter length jacket. Mom though it looked so classy and so did I. Janice was acting weird and would not comment. I could not figure out what was wrong with Janice. I just tried to ignore her.

Mom bought me the leather coat, just like that. Then off we were to get to the theatre for the show. Janice was acting up the entire walk to the theatre. She told me that I was her wife and that my mother had no right to buy me a coat like that. If someone was to by me a coat it was to be her! I could not believe it. Janice was completely and totally jealous and freaking out because my mother bought me a gift. I was blown away. My mother could not believe it either.

We arrived at the theatre and found our seats. My mother buying me a leather jacket was all that Janice needed for an excuse to get drunk at the theatre. She drank so much beer before the start of the show that she started complaining about half way before the intermission that she had to pee. I told her to get up and go to the bathroom, but she wanted me to go with her. I told her to just go alone, but she did not want to go alone. Janice hated going into women’s bathrooms alone. People often took a second look as she entered the women’s washroom because she was such a butch dyke. She dressed in men’s clothes most of the time, wore men’s shoes and she had her hair cut so short it was hardly over an inch in length. The funny thing was, she dressed like a butch dyke, but was still always shocked that people had to take a second glance to make sure she was a woman!

Once the intermission came, the three of us got up and went to the washroom. Mom and I waited in the line that had formed. Janice could no longer hold her pee. She told me to come with her and leave the theatre to find a washroom with her. I refused to go and told her I was staying with my mom. She made a little scene, but quickly realized that I was not leaving my mom. I was so embarrassed and angry at her I just wanted her to leave the theatre and not be allowed back in. They let her back in though.

After the show we headed right home. Janice decided that she would continue to drink once we got back to the house. She also started to get very aggressive. This was the first time that my mother had ever witnessed Janice in her angry, aggressive and basically out of control state. With more alcohol in Janice she decided to start to complain about the Christmas gifts that I had gotten her. Janice enjoyed cooking and she had asked for this huge set of cooking dishes and this major set of strainers for Christmas. The gifts were not cheap. Janice had expensive taste and all together the cooking dishes and strainers had cost me about $500.00. I figured Janice really wanted the dishes and strainers because she had continuously asked for them for Christmas months prior to Christmas. All the sudden, after Christmas, they were crappy gifts. Janice had been complaining since she had opened the gifts from me that they were shitty gifts. I told her she could return them, but she said no. She gave me a hard time for not being more thoughtful. I just felt defeated. How was I supposed to know that she really did not want what she had kept mentioning for months prior to Christmas?!

With Janice completely loaded with alcohol to the point of almost being unable to stand, she decided to go into the kitchen with my mom there and start in on the gifts again. From the kitchen she berated me and the gifts that I had given her for Christmas. She swore about the gifts and was looking at my mom as if my mom would be on her side. It was almost as if she was berating my mom for bringing up a thoughtless, uncaring daughter. She told my mom what I had gotten her and how thoughtless it was with very descriptive words and ignorant language. Dishes and strainers, what a gift!

My mom had never witnessed Janice behave like this before. Janice then started in again on the leather jacket. She told my mom she had no right to come here and buy ‘her wife’ a leather jacket. Janice explained that it was her job to take care of me and that my mom had no place anymore. I tried to stop Janice talking, but she was a bulldozer going full steam ahead. Eventually she stopped and went off to bed. My mom had piped up and told Janice that she would buy me anything she damn well pleased and that she was a selfish bitch for being so ridiculous about the leather jacket and the Christmas presents. I was happy my mom did that.

Once Janice went to bed, I apologized to my mom. I told her I loved her and I went off to bed. I was so embarrassed and uncomfortable. I was so angry. No one treats my mom like Janice did. I would not allow it. I was not sure what I was going to do about it.

The next morning I woke up and I did not smell coffee. Every morning my mom was there she always woke before us and made coffee. Of course this was also something that Janice complained about! Janice was bothered that my mom made so much coffee, even though we drank it all, and that my mom got up so early. I never understood this!

I thought it was very strange that I could not smell coffee. I thought that maybe mom was tired and had slept in. I went downstairs and my mom was not there. I went and peeked in her room and she was not there either. I checked the jacket closet by the front door and her shoes and coat were gone. I called her cell. She was walking to the mall, which was pretty far away. My mom’s health had never been great. She had diabetes and other problems with her blood pressure and pancreas so I was really upset she was trying to walk so far. I asked what street she was at and told her to stay there. I grabbed my coat and keys and went and got her.

When I picked mom up, she was crying. She told me that she had never felt so unwelcome in my home, in her life. Janice had been successful in her attempts to make my mom feel like Janice did not want my mom in our house. I did not know what to do. I told my mom she was always welcome. I told her Janice was having a bit of trouble with drinking again and needed to get it under control. I apologized for Janice’s behaviour and made every excuse in the book for her and then we headed back home.

When I got home I told Janice what had happened and that I was angry at her. She turned everything around as she always did. My mom was being a drama queen and trying to manipulate me. My mom hated her so she was trying to get between us. Name it, Janice said it! Everything was either my fault or my mom’s fault. Janice took no blame for anything. The truth was that everything that Janice said about my mom was what Janice herself was doing to my mom and me. I just did not realize it at the time. I was so confused, shocked and caught up in the whirlwind of chaos that Janice created, I could not even think clearly.

The cat was out of the bag now though. With our marriage, Janice no longer hid her true self from my family. I think what had happened was that Janice just could not hide her true self anymore. Her true nature started to show its ugly face. My mom got to witness it first hand and it was not pleasant. It also confirmed my parents’ suspicions about Janice and our relationship. I was in a bad relationship and in it over my head. The only problem was, my parents could not end the relationship for me. I was the one that had to take care of this problem called Janice.

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And Then I Cried!

  • Posted on May 6, 2009 at 10:17 am

Before I knew it, it was the wedding day. It was a milestone day in that Janice and I were allowed to legally marry in Canada. We finally had a right to do something that had been previously withheld. The only problem was that I did not want to be getting married. Well, I did not want to marry Janice. I knew in my heart that marrying Janice was not what I truly wanted. Janice was not my soul mate. She was not the person I was meant to be with!

I was stuck. I knew there was no way out for me now. I had not had the courage or ability to get out of the relationship up till now, so I knew that on the wedding day, that it was a done deal. I would never back out in front of the few guests we had. I would have looked like an idiot if I backed out on the wedding day. At least everyone didn’t know that I was an idiot for staying in the relationship with Janice, let alone marrying her. Marrying Janice hid the fact that I was being an idiot.

My first marriage to John seemed so simple to end when I wanted it to end. I guess I just figured that I could do the same thing as my last marriage and end my marriage to Janice whenever I found the courage to get out of the relationship. I did not see the marriage to Janice as a barrier or roadblock to my freedom from her. The only barrier to my freedom was Janice herself and the power I was letting her have over me.

I know now that at the time of my marriage to Janice, I had a really bad outlook of marriage. Moreover it was a bad outlook especially because same sex couples had fought so long and hard for the right to do what Janice and I were doing that day. I was taking the legal milestone for granted. There were countries still fighting for the right that we had and I was in essence letting them all down by marrying someone that I should not have been marrying. When I think about this today, I feel horrible inside. I read articles about countries still fighting for the right for same sex couples to marry and I am now ridden with guilt as I sit here today, waiting for my divorce from Janice to be finalized.

I think that the guests at the ceremony should have been able to tell that there was not much true meaning behind the ceremony. There were multiple subtle symbols such as those damn little seeds that oh, how I loved so much. There was a cake that had a spelling mistake on it, but I did not have corrected. I did not care. I was dressed in black as if I was on my way to a funeral, not a wedding, let alone my wedding. The flowers were the cheapest I could find at the local grocery store in vases from the dollar store. Our wedding bands were plain, cheap gold bands. Basically, if you go to the jewellery store and look in the display for the most basic, least expensive wedding bands, those are the ones we had. The bands weren’t even new. Janice had wanted to get bands for each other about a year earlier so we had gone and gotten these cheap bands. We wore them on the right hand, ring finger. For the wedding, we just switched the rings over to the left hand!

We only had a few guests at the wedding. Sam and Julia were there of course. A few of our other friends that were more like acquaintances were there as well. I did not have anyone that could have been called “my” friend there. Sam and Julia were my friends, but I knew them only through Janice. There was no one there that was my friend from before my relationship with Janice. I had no friends left. All my friends I had prior to Janice were gone. I had given them up because of Janice’s controlling nature. I had given them up because I let Janice control me.

Worst of all, my family did not even know that I was getting married on that day. I was afraid to tell them. I was not afraid to tell them that I was marrying a woman. I was afraid to tell them that I was marrying Janice. I think they knew something was up in my relationship with Janice. They did not like Janice and they did not trust her. They never told me this at the time, but I could tell. Even though my family knew something was just not right in the relationship, they treated Janice well for my sake. They trusted that I was making the right decisions in my life and supported me. But I still could not tell them I was marrying her. I guess I was ashamed and embarrassed. I did not even tell them after the wedding. I called my sister a couple of months after the wedding and told her that Janice and I had gotten married. I knew she would be more understanding. I then got her to tell the rest of my family. I made my sister do my dirty work.

The ceremony was at Janice’s and my house. It was a rainy day so we had it inside the house. I have always hated rainy days. The rain is so depressing and dark. Rainy days have always felt sad to me ever since I was a kid. I remember not wanting to go to school on rainy days because I believed that rainy days were bad luck days. I would cry and beg my mom to not make me go to school. She always calmed me and I went to school, but I still hated rainy days.

I now look back and see how representational the rain was of that day for me. It was a bad luck day. It was a sad and depressing day. It was full of darkness. It was a darkness that I did not know the full extent of yet.

I really do not remember much of the ceremony. I think it lasted maybe five minutes. I do not even remember what was said. I do not remember whether we said “I DO” or “I WILL.” We said something though that meant ‘yep’ we would commit to each other. It was all the sudden, in a blink of an eye, a done deal. We were married. My eyes filled with tears.

There were people in Canada celebrating the milestone accomplishment of the same sex right to marry and there I stood on my wedding day, with a tear of complete and utter sadness in my eye. I sit and ponder now about those tears. I remember John crying at our wedding. I know that his tears were of joy. He was happy. I cried at Janice’s and my wedding because I was full of negative emotions. I was panicking. I was sad. I looked at those at the ceremony and thought of how they did not really know my situation and life. I looked at Janice and my heart sunk. She was in total control.

We took pictures after the ceremony, which we never had up in our house anywhere. The pictures were developed and never even put in an album. All the pictures were thrown in a box and stored in the closet. We never even looked at them.

We also had a reception dinner. Janice and I got drunk. Janice got drunk because she was an alcoholic that was again out of control. I got drunk because I needed consoling. I never really ever drank. But if there was a time for me to drink, it was the night of my marriage to Janice. Of course I had to carry Janice home and into the house. I got her into bed. I then did a familiar thing of sitting in the living room, looking out at the lights and stars. Sitting in the living room feeling upset had become such a familiar feeling. I had sat there so many times late at night when Janice was in bed, just thinking about what was going on with my life. Now I was sitting there, upset again, but this time I sat there as a married woman to a woman I knew I should not have married. And then I cried!


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