Lesbian Cafe

Before I knew it, it was the wedding day. It was a milestone day in that Janice and I were allowed to legally marry in Canada. We finally had a right to do something that had been previously withheld. The only problem was that I did not want to be getting married. Well, I did not want to marry Janice. I knew in my heart that marrying Janice was not what I truly wanted. Janice was not my soul mate. She was not the person I was meant to be with!

I was stuck. I knew there was no way out for me now. I had not had the courage or ability to get out of the relationship up till now, so I knew that on the wedding day, that it was a done deal. I would never back out in front of the few guests we had. I would have looked like an idiot if I backed out on the wedding day. At least everyone didn’t know that I was an idiot for staying in the relationship with Janice, let alone marrying her. Marrying Janice hid the fact that I was being an idiot.

My first marriage to John seemed so simple to end when I wanted it to end. I guess I just figured that I could do the same thing as my last marriage and end my marriage to Janice whenever I found the courage to get out of the relationship. I did not see the marriage to Janice as a barrier or roadblock to my freedom from her. The only barrier to my freedom was Janice herself and the power I was letting her have over me.

I know now that at the time of my marriage to Janice, I had a really bad outlook of marriage. Moreover it was a bad outlook especially because same sex couples had fought so long and hard for the right to do what Janice and I were doing that day. I was taking the legal milestone for granted. There were countries still fighting for the right that we had and I was in essence letting them all down by marrying someone that I should not have been marrying. When I think about this today, I feel horrible inside. I read articles about countries still fighting for the right for same sex couples to marry and I am now ridden with guilt as I sit here today, waiting for my divorce from Janice to be finalized.

I think that the guests at the ceremony should have been able to tell that there was not much true meaning behind the ceremony. There were multiple subtle symbols such as those damn little seeds that oh, how I loved so much. There was a cake that had a spelling mistake on it, but I did not have corrected. I did not care. I was dressed in black as if I was on my way to a funeral, not a wedding, let alone my wedding. The flowers were the cheapest I could find at the local grocery store in vases from the dollar store. Our wedding bands were plain, cheap gold bands. Basically, if you go to the jewellery store and look in the display for the most basic, least expensive wedding bands, those are the ones we had. The bands weren’t even new. Janice had wanted to get bands for each other about a year earlier so we had gone and gotten these cheap bands. We wore them on the right hand, ring finger. For the wedding, we just switched the rings over to the left hand!

We only had a few guests at the wedding. Sam and Julia were there of course. A few of our other friends that were more like acquaintances were there as well. I did not have anyone that could have been called “my” friend there. Sam and Julia were my friends, but I knew them only through Janice. There was no one there that was my friend from before my relationship with Janice. I had no friends left. All my friends I had prior to Janice were gone. I had given them up because of Janice’s controlling nature. I had given them up because I let Janice control me.

Worst of all, my family did not even know that I was getting married on that day. I was afraid to tell them. I was not afraid to tell them that I was marrying a woman. I was afraid to tell them that I was marrying Janice. I think they knew something was up in my relationship with Janice. They did not like Janice and they did not trust her. They never told me this at the time, but I could tell. Even though my family knew something was just not right in the relationship, they treated Janice well for my sake. They trusted that I was making the right decisions in my life and supported me. But I still could not tell them I was marrying her. I guess I was ashamed and embarrassed. I did not even tell them after the wedding. I called my sister a couple of months after the wedding and told her that Janice and I had gotten married. I knew she would be more understanding. I then got her to tell the rest of my family. I made my sister do my dirty work.

The ceremony was at Janice’s and my house. It was a rainy day so we had it inside the house. I have always hated rainy days. The rain is so depressing and dark. Rainy days have always felt sad to me ever since I was a kid. I remember not wanting to go to school on rainy days because I believed that rainy days were bad luck days. I would cry and beg my mom to not make me go to school. She always calmed me and I went to school, but I still hated rainy days.

I now look back and see how representational the rain was of that day for me. It was a bad luck day. It was a sad and depressing day. It was full of darkness. It was a darkness that I did not know the full extent of yet.

I really do not remember much of the ceremony. I think it lasted maybe five minutes. I do not even remember what was said. I do not remember whether we said “I DO” or “I WILL.” We said something though that meant ‘yep’ we would commit to each other. It was all the sudden, in a blink of an eye, a done deal. We were married. My eyes filled with tears.

There were people in Canada celebrating the milestone accomplishment of the same sex right to marry and there I stood on my wedding day, with a tear of complete and utter sadness in my eye. I sit and ponder now about those tears. I remember John crying at our wedding. I know that his tears were of joy. He was happy. I cried at Janice’s and my wedding because I was full of negative emotions. I was panicking. I was sad. I looked at those at the ceremony and thought of how they did not really know my situation and life. I looked at Janice and my heart sunk. She was in total control.

We took pictures after the ceremony, which we never had up in our house anywhere. The pictures were developed and never even put in an album. All the pictures were thrown in a box and stored in the closet. We never even looked at them.

We also had a reception dinner. Janice and I got drunk. Janice got drunk because she was an alcoholic that was again out of control. I got drunk because I needed consoling. I never really ever drank. But if there was a time for me to drink, it was the night of my marriage to Janice. Of course I had to carry Janice home and into the house. I got her into bed. I then did a familiar thing of sitting in the living room, looking out at the lights and stars. Sitting in the living room feeling upset had become such a familiar feeling. I had sat there so many times late at night when Janice was in bed, just thinking about what was going on with my life. Now I was sitting there, upset again, but this time I sat there as a married woman to a woman I knew I should not have married. And then I cried!

More of the adventure in these posts:

• This Problem Called Janice!
• And Then I Cried!
• Those Damn Little Seeds
• Who Made Me A Martyr
• Out Of Control

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