As a woman married to a man, I secretly lived out my lesbian life. As time passed, I had absolutely no doubt that I was one hundred percent lesbian. For the first time in my life I knew who I really was and what I really wanted. I loved women. I loved how soft they were. I loved their smooth skin and their luscious curves. I loved their lips. I loved their smell. I loved how they tasted. I just could not get enough!
With women I kissed like I never knew I could. It came from my innermost desires. There was passion behind the kiss. There was lust and sexual desire behind the kiss. I loved touching women and watching them in their moments of pleasure (pleasure that I gave to them). With women, my body for the first time in my life reacted like never before.
For the first time in my life I felt complete. I knew what I wanted and I was going for it. I was proud of who I was. I was proud of my self discovery. I knew what I had to do. I owed my husband (John) the truth about who I was. I had to get a divorce from John. I had to let the world know who I really was. I knew that now was the time for me to Come Out.
I remember this time in my life like it was yesterday. It was a bag of BIG mixed emotions. There were times where I felt like I was struggling, but I always had an underlying renewed love for life. I felt alive! I often listened to Diana Ross' song "I'm Coming Out." I love that song. I listen to it now and it brings me right back to the exhilerating feeling I had when I finally realized who I was. I was, I am, I love being a Lesbian.
So how was I to come out? Well, unfortunately I did not have a lot of control in how I came out. I sat John down and told him about my lesbian affair (ok I only told him about one)! At first John was not upset. I was surprised. The first thing out of John's mouth was "next time can I watch." Ok well, if I wasn't a lesbian that sure would have made me one.
It did not take long though for John's tone to change. He did not want us to split and well, I was done with the relationship. I kept hanging out with my lesbian friends. John kept threatening that he would tell my parents if I did not stop hanging out with "the lesbians!" So I solved the problem. I went and visited my parents and told them that I had discovered that I was a lesbian and that was how I was going to live my life from that point on.
You know, I have discovered that you may think you know how people will react to something, but you really just never know how people are going to react until they actually react! I thought my dad would flip and my mom would be cool. Nope! Dad was calm. He was the first one I told. He knew. He saw me with one of my ex lesbian lovers one time and he could apparently tell that we were not just friends. Mom knew also, but I think she was in denial more. She just did not want to believe it. My parents saw my current married life as a good life and they wanted me to follow that road.
I remember walking through the mall with my dad just after I told him that I was a lesbian. I had to go to the bathroom and so did he. So we walked down the corridor to the washroom area. The woman's washroom was first. My dad looked at me and pointing to the women's washroom he said "I think that one is yours still." I did not find it funny! I was still a woman. I was just a woman who really loved women.
My dad made cracks over the next few days. He made cracks like "the son I never had" and other such cracks. I guess he needed to get something out of his system. I guess that is when I first learned that I would have to have thick skin. The one thing that sticks the most with me that my dad said was a bit of advice about work. My dad said that people and bosses would look at me differently now. I was no longer the "fuckable" female sitting across from them. I now was the lesbian sitting across from them. I was so shocked to hear that from my father. The truth is, I found out he was right to a certain extent. There were times at work where I saw the change from peers and bosses. It happened here and there, not really often, but it happened.
Anyway, my mom was really upset. I remember telling her with my dad. She had seen me with the same ex-lover that my dad had and had guessed also, but she never thought that I would pick the lesbian lifestyle over the married to John lifestyle I had. I remember later that night waking hearing my mom crying. She was upset. She was dealing with it though.
My siblings were cool about it. No problems there. Happy to report there was one reaction that I could have predicted.
As time went on, my entire family came around. They were happy to see me really, truly happy for the first time in my life. I think they could see the renewed energy and the amazing love for life that was in me. They quickly realized I was still me. I just loved women now instead of men.
My mom can now even introduce Kass as my partner. She is so cool about it now. Dad likes that I am happy too. It is all good now, but I will admit it was not a smooth road. It had its bumps and hard moments, but I survived it.
So what about work? Well, I was openly lesbian. I truly believe people gossip less and talk behind your back less if you can talk about it too. So I joked, I was open, I was not bothered by it so no one else seemed botherd by it either. It was much easier that way. I knew if I tried to hide it that people would then start to talk and gossip.
There are always people that try to 'out' you also so my best advice is to just be 'out' already and then the last laugh is on them. My partner when I first came out (Janice), had a crazy ex. Well Janice was crazy too but hey that is another major story! So the crazy ex sent a letter to my work trying to bitch about me and every second word was lesbian. Ouch!!! Did not hurt because everyone already knew. I was practically wearing a rainbow flag to work everyday!
Everyone seems to have a unique coming out story. I remember one of my friends (Adam) way back when I first came out. Adam told his parents he was gay and man they practically threw a party for him. They were dragging Adam out of bed to go to the gay pride parades. They were so into his life and celebrating who he was. I found their reaction surprising at first. It was pretty cool though. Adam seriously had the same life experience as Michael from Queer as Folk did with his mother Debbie.
I loved the reaction of Janice's parents. They knew Janice was a lesbian. When Janice got engaged to someone (way before we were partners) she told her parents of her engagement. Her parents responded by asking Janice if her engagement was to a guy or a girl. Talk about saving Janice from having to explain anything! But the funny thing was, when Janice and I were together, her parents told everyone we were partners, but that we lived together and did not have sex. Imagine our surprise when we heard about that! Anyway, we did have sex. Not sure where they got the idea we didn't have sex, but I guess believing we didn't have sex made them able to cope.
Now Kass had a different experience. Well she did not have to worry about telling anyone she was now a lesbian. Our neighbors knew from her screaming my name during sex! She is a very quiet, shy, asian lady by day and an amazing, vocal lover by night. On an aside, I find that about women! If they are quiet in their daily life, they are vocal in bed. If they are vocal in their daily life, they are quiet in bed.
Anyway, the real coming out story for Kass is that she went through a horrible divorce in the courts that just dragged on and on and on. Her ex of course thought it benefitted him somehow to have it as part of the public record that he believed Kass to be a lesbian. Then he felt he should share his beliefs with everyone in the world also. Well Kass had the same belief that I did. Do not hide it and the rumours and talking behind your back becomes pointless. So, we did not hide it. We went along our happy lesbian way and lived our life out. No one seemed to care. We never got much attention and we never heard much whispering about it.
I really think each coming out story although similar in its goal, is very different and unique. We all receive our different reactions. Whether parents are crying or throwing a party, it is our internal reaction to our self that is important. If you are sure of who you are, coming out I believe will just feel okay and right. Even in the tough moments, like when my mom was crying, or I came home from telling my parents and told John it was really over, it felt like the right thing to do. It is about being true to yourself and who you are. I realized by discovering the real me, that I am a happier person to live life as the person I truly am.
Now I often almost forget that I am a lesbian. I have a normal life. My life truly feels normal to me. It is not a hard life for me. I feel like I am right where I belong. I have my true love (Kass). Everything with Kass feels so right. Whether it is sitting and talking with Kass or making passionate love to her, it all just feels like I am where I belong. I have my home, my partner, my family and we even have our kids. We have it all. I did get my keeping up with the Jones' life. It's just that in this case, the Jones' are lesbians.
More of the adventure in these posts:
Not hiding who I am is pretty straightforward. People generally don’t ask questions directly pertaining to my orientation. If they do and if I don’t want them to know, I just pretend asexuality. Otherwise, I drop hints – cryptic or subtle. For now, I must live with the fact cannot tell the truth about myself to everyone.